Frasier Grinch Written by John Lloyd
Directed by Philip Charles
MacKenzie
=====================================================================
Production Code: 3.9.
Original Airdate on NBC: xxx
Transcript written on October 1999.
Quotes & Scene Summary {john masson}
Act One. Scene A. A table at Cafe Nervosa. Frasier is there. Niles
enters
Frasier: Ah, Niles.
Niles: Hello. Is it just me, or are the sidewalk Santa's getting
pushy?
Frasier: Well, tomorrow is christmas. I suppose they might be
expecting a little downturn after that.
Niles: (to waitress) Capachino, please. (to Frasier) So? When does
Frederick arrive?
Frasier: In six hours and twenty one minutes. Not that I'm the least
bit excited.
Niles: Yes, I'm sure he's excited too. First christmas at daddy's.
I imagine he has visions of sugarplums, dancing through his
head.
Frasier: No, Lilith doesn't allow sweets, he's probably got visions
of bran.
Niles: Well, I've got my own reasons to celebrate. Maris and I may
be together again, by the new year.
Frasier: (supportingly) Oh, really Niles?
Niles: Yep, Yeah. I called this morning to arrange the delivery of
her christmas gift, and she said the only gift she'd accept
from me was an abject apology.
Frasier: Going to cave into her, aren't you?
Niles: Oh contraire. I told her I was not about to apologise, and
from that point on, the respect in her voice came through
loud and clear. No small feat, considering at the time she
was speaking at the time through the hole in her massage
table.
(The waitress brings over Niles's coffee as Roz arrives)
Frasier: Oh, hi Roz.
Roz: Hey. (to waitress) Double Expresso, please. This last minute
christmas shopping is killing me. I never know what to give
the men in my life.
Frasier: Since when?
Roz: Ha, ha. Funny man.
Niles: (to waitress, handing over his credit card) Excuse me, I'll
take care of this.
Frasier: Oh, thank you Niles.
Roz: What's new, Niles?
Niles: I have been keeping it under wraps but, Maris and I have
separated.
Roz: (feigning shock, badly) Oh, my God! I had no idea. I can't
believe no-one told me. This is such a surprise!
(Frasier can stand no more)
Frasier: That's enough, Telula. You're not fooling anyone.
(The waitress comes over with Niles's card and a pair of
scissors)
Waitress: I'm sorry sir, your card didn't clear. I have to do this.
(She cuts the card in half and hands the pieces to Niles)
Niles: Wait, wait. What are you doing?
Waitress: The computer said credit cancelled by order of co-signatory.
Frasier: Maris has cancelled your credit card.
Roz: Woah, merry christmas.
Waitress: Would you care to use a different one?
Niles: There's no point, they're all in her name. (he gets his phone
and dials a number) I'm calling her right now and demanding
the restoration of my credit card. And my bank accounts.
(realising the phone is dead) And my phone service.
Scene B: The Radio Studio. Frasier is taking a call. There is an
office party going on outside the studio window.
Caller: Doc, I'm at the airport, and I'm having a lot of trouble
getting on the plane.
Frasier: Now Bob, statistics prove that we're safer in the air than
on the ground.
Caller: That, that's not it. I'm supposed to be flying home to
Nord for christmas, but the flight the next gate over has
a flight to Moui I'm telling you, it's calling me, Doc.
Frasier: Why are you hesitant to go home?
Caller: Because it's the same thing every year. I travel three
thousand miles to sit down at the dinner table with my family,
and what do we talk about? What's going on in out lives? No.
Our hopes and dreams? No. We talk about the turkey. "Boy,
that's quite a bird." "Twentyfour pounder." "What time did
you have to get up to put that in the oven Ange?"
Frasier: "Oh boy, that's moist. You must have been basting that bird
all day."
Roz: "Are those walnuts in the stuffing?"
Frasier: "Oh god, I forgot to put the rolls in the oven." I guess
what I'm trying to say, Bob, is that we're all in the same
gravy boat. But you see the important thing is that we spend
time with out loved ones. Just think how you'd feel if you
woke up tomorrow morning six thousand miles away from your
home.
Caller: Well. I tell ya, that really puts it in perspective, doc. I
gotta plane to catch.
Frasier: 'Illikki Ikki Maka' Bob. We'll be right back after these
messages.
(Roz comes in from her booth)
Frasier: Oh, Roz. What did they say, what did they say?
Roz: Oh, relax. Frederick's flight is still on time, he'll be
here in less than three hours. Oh, and the florist called,
you can pick up your wreath on the way home.
Frasier: Oh, fabulous. You know, every year dad puts that kitchy
creature with the lightbulb nose on the door.
(Bulldog enters, his arm in a sling)
Bulldog: Hey, great party. Goes whatever thanks to me. I hired a
stripper. Doc, you will never guess what her name is. Candy
Kane.
Frasier: What are the odds?
(Gil enters, slightly tipsy)
Gil: For those of you who have not yet sampled the punch, here
is my capsule review - Vile bouquet, unwholesome colour,
ghastly taste - and a kick that is simply heaven.
Roz: (trying to get rid of Bulldog and Gil) Ok, 30 seconds, Frasier.
Frasier: All right people, out, out please.
Bulldog: (indicating the mistletoe attached to his hat) Hey, Roz.
You know what's over my head?
Roz: Almost any clever remark?
Bulldog: What's she mean by that? (He and Gil leave)
Frasier: Oh, listen Roz. I know you've got a plane to catch and the
traffic to the airport is probably very bad, so in the spirit
of the christmas season, why don't you just take off early. Hmm?
Roz: You're going to read one of your inspirational christmas
fables again, aren't you?
Frasier: Yes I am. Be a lot easier without you sitting over there
sticking your finger in your throat.
Roz: Right. Merry christmas. (They kiss and hug)
Frasier: Merry christmas, Roz.
Roz: Say 'Hi' to Frederick.
Frasier: Yes, and say 'Hi' to your mum for me.
Roz: Will do. (She leaves.)
Frasier: (turns on mic) Hi, we're back. As most of my faithful
listeners know, (takes script out of briefcase) every year
I compose a parable that I hope will illuminate the spirit
of the christmas season. (Bulldog and Gil sneak in via Roz'
booth) So without any further ado, 'The Story of Olaf', the
lonely little goatherd. (starts tape of barnyard noises)
'Once upon a time, there lived a lonely little goatherd,'
(Bulldog and Gil come into Frasiers booth) 'He had no family,
and no playthings, so to amuse himself one day, he carved a
little' (They proceed to garnish him in tinsel and lights. He
ignores them) 'wooden flute. A flute that he used to play
during the long, lonely evenings. And the tune it made was
very lovely, and all the people in the village below could
hear the pure, glorious sounds' (turns mic off. To Bulldog)
This is all very amusing, but none of this is going to distract
me. (mic on. Gil leaves) 'One day, the son of a wealthy
merchant heard the music, and while that boy had all the toys
in the world, he was jealous of this little goatherds flute.'
(Bulldog tries to light Frasiers script) 'So one dark night,
one dark' (blows out Bulldogs lighter. Bulldog leaves) 'windy
night, the merchants son stole his precious instrument, but
when he took that flute home, he couldn't make it play. So he
smashed the flute to bits.' (Bulldog and Gil return, with Candy,
dressed as Santa) 'And the little goatherd came down the
mountain the next day, and saw his flute was broken.' (Candy
whips off her jacket to reveal a fur lined bra) YIKES! (Frasier
starts ad-libbing) 'He might have said that, but instead he
forgave the merchants son. And the wealthy merchant adopted
the little goatherd, and' (Cindy rips off the pants) Oh, Momma!
'he said, upon meeting the merchants wife, and somewhere along
the way,' (Cindy starts kissing him 'he learned the true
meaning of christmas'. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you
a truly blessed and forgiving holiday. (mic off) And now you
see? Nice try. Miss Kane's delightful performance aside, this
just proves the power of my message (goes to leave) cannot
be stayed. What am I, a robot? (goes back to Candy and kisses
her passionately) And to all, a good night. (leaves)
If I Only Had A Brain
Scene C: Outside Frasier's Apartment. He emerges from the lift with
his wreath to meet his father hanging Rudolph from the door.
Frasier: Hi, dad. Ahh, (taking Rudolph down) I'm going to put this
wreath up here.
Martin: What's the matter with Rudolph?
Frasier: Well dad, you know, I just think that christmas decorations
should be understated and tasteful.
Martin: Boy, I can't get one thing that I want.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, but if I gave you one thing, God knows where
it might lead.
(They enter the apartment. It is full of the most garish
decorations ever. Think of Hamley's toy store, at christmas.
Frasier is nearly in tears)
Frasier: Oh, God. My childhood christmases all over again. Only now
Mom isn't here to say 'Shut up, you'll hurt his feelings'.
Martin: Oh, don't be such a grinch.
(Frasier walks past a lifesized Santa)
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho.
Martin: It works when you step on the mat. It can say 'Ho, Ho, Ho',
'Merry Christmas', or 'Happy Holiday'.
Frasier: Yeah, well I hope it can say 'Geronimo' because I'm going to
throw him off the balcony.
Martin: Well, I don't care what you think, it's not for you, it's
for Frederick.
Frasier: God, I suppose you're right, dad, I used to love this stuff
when was six. By the time I was seven I started to have
questions, when I was eight I started spending a lot more time
at the Bernsteins.
(Daphne comes out of the kitchen carrying a cake tin.)
Daphne: Well, I'm off to Joe's parents house.
Frasier: I see you've been busy in the kitchen
Daphne: Yes. I'm bringing Grammy Moon's famous plum duff. It's a still
flour pudding boiled in a cloth bag.
Martin: Who gets to lick the bag?
Daphne: No. You see, Grammy Moon had a secret ingredient. She'd soak
it for hours in rum, then ignite it in a blinding flash. As
soon as she came out of the kitchen with no eyebrows, we knew
dessert was ready. (She moves towards the door, stepping over
the santa mat) You know, to this day, the smell of burning
hair puts me in the holiday spirit. Bye. Merry christmas.
(she leaves)
Frasier: Merry christmas.
Martin: You know, someone's got to go back down to the storeroom,
there's still something missing.
Frasier: You must be kidding, dad. My God, this place couldn't look
any more ludicrous.
(Eddie comes in. He's wearing a Santa hat and bib. The doorbell
chimes. Frasier goes to answer it)
Martin: Once I saw how those white hairs on his chin looked like a
beard, the rest of the idea just fell into place.
(Frasier open the door for Niles)
Frasier: Niles.
Niles: Hello, Frasier..(Sees the apartment decor)..I know, I know,
'Shut up we'll hurt his feelings'.
Frasier: So, Niles, did you have a discussion with Maris?
Niles: No. But! I had an epiphany. I realised, cutting off my funds
is Maris's way of saying 'I love you'. She always uses money
to get what she wants, ergo this is proof she wants me..back.
(Niles walk past Santa)
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho.
Frasier: I think Santa's said it all for us.
(Niles has noticed Eddie's getup)
Niles: Dad,you have to get out more. You've started doing old lady
things.
Martin: It's for Frederick.
Niles: (humouring him) Oh, of course it is. Oh, that reminds
me, I don't want to impose, but may I ride with you to the
airport to pick up Frederick?
Frasier: Of course you may, Niles. (picks up a large box) Just have
to wrap up his presents first.
Martin: So what did you get Freddie?
Frasier: (opening box) Well actually dad, I ordered him the toy
catalogue, from the special section caled 'Gifts for the
Gifted'. I got him the junior astronomy set, and the geology
lab, oh, and a fabulous thing called the 'Living Brain'. You
get to paint each lobe a different colour, then you stuff it
inside the Living Skull.
Martin: Hey, you know what kids really like? They've been advertising
it like crazy on TV. It's great. The 'Outlaw Laser Robo Geek'.
Its head lights up and it shoots death rays out of its eyes.
(Frasier glowers at him) Yeah. A little like that.
Frasier: Listen dad, I think I know waht Frederick likes. He's
precocious, he needs to be challenged.
Martin: Oh, challenge him the other 364 days. One day out of the year,
indulge him. Let him be a kid.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, if Frederick's anything like me, the kind of
toys he'll like to play with are... (He looks in the box) ..
a kitchen set, a doll house and three kinds of Barbies! (he
grabs the delivery note) This is for a Franklin Crane from
Kenibunkport. God, you realise what this means?
Niles: Yes. The Cranes from Maine have got your 'Living Brain'.
Frasier: No. It means I don't have anything for Freddie. (get his coat.)
God. I wanted everything to be so perfect. Now he's going to
have a horrible christmas.
Martin: It's all right, listen, it's ok. There's a big toy store in
the mall. They're open late tonight. Just don't worry about
it.
Frasier: Well, that's easy for you to say, dad. My God, it's christmas
eve. The gifts I ordered are three thousand miles away, my son
is due in an hour and, on top of it all, I have to go to a mall.
Santa: Ho, Ho, Ho.
Niles: Oh, don't look at me, he said it.
End Of Act One. (Time: : )
A Mall And the Night Visitors
Act Two, Scene A. A toy shop in the mall. Frasier and Niles enter.
Frasier: Niles, customers are maurauding through here like a pack
of feral dogs. Did you see that woman? She practically
knocked me over on her way to the escalator.
Niles: Well, how about that woman near the cosmetics counter who
tried to mace me.
Frasier: That was a cologne sample Niles, that's what they do. Now
listen we've got five minutes, we've got to find a sales
clerk.
Niles: Oh well, good luck.
Frasier: Oh right, we'd better find something ourselves, I guess.
(They start to browse)
Niles: Well hey, hey. This look amusing.
Frasier: Niles, may I remind you we're looking for something
educational.
Niles: (putting on a stange looking helmet)Oh, oh,oh, oh, it has
buttons. (starts playing with the controls) What's it doing?
Frasier: It's flashing. Niles, please remember that Freddie tested
in the highest percentile for cognative skills and deductive
reasoning.
Niles: What's it doing now?
Frasier: It's beeping, for God's sake. And as much as I'd like to
inflict this on Lilith, I'm looking for fast and educational.
All right?
(A jet of water from the helmet soaks Frasier)
Niles: I wonder what else it does?
Frasier: Lets see if it protects your head!
(He whacks Niles round the side of his head. As Niles gets
up, something else catches his eye)
Niles: Ooh. Here's something. Look at this. Look at this.
Frasier: Oh, God.
Niles: It's called 'Ekto Goo'. (he picks up some green slime)
Frasier: Oh well, that sound vaguely scientific, but what could he
possibly learn from that?
Niles: (who's having trouble controlling the goo) Well, for
starters, he can learn never to wear Armani to a toy store.
(finally manages to drop the stuff)
Frasier: Let's see, I'll just have to remember what I ordered
from the catalogue and look for that. First, the 'Living
Brain'.
Kid: (who's been standing beside Frasier) Living Brain? What kind
of dork wants that?
Frasier: With any luck, the kind of dork who'll be operating on your
prostate, someday.
Niles: Frasier, Frasier Frasier. (points to top shelf) Look, look,
look, there it is. It's up on the shelf. It's up on the shelf.
Frasier: Oh, marvelous. (climbs up to get it)
Niles: Oh, Lord. It's covered with dust.
Frasier: The brain is dusty. Could there be a clearer metaphor.(the
box is empty) Oh, Lord. There's nothing in it.
Woman: Can I have it? (takes the box)
Frasier: It's an empty box, Ma'am
Woman: I know, but I can put my son's 'Robo Geek' in it. You know
how scared he'll be when he thinks he's getting something
this nerdy?
Frasier: (to Niles) Oh God, this is hopeless. We'll never find
anything for Frederick.
Niles: Oh, Frasier. Just give him a cheque.
Frasier: But, Niles, you can't give a cheque to a child.
Niles: That's what I'm giving him. It has a stagecoach on it.
Frasier: Niles, Maris cancelled your account.
Niles: (realising) Damn!
(a man walks in carrying a bag with the logo 'Young Minds')
Frasier: Oh, look. Look at that man's bag. 'Young Minds'. (to man)
Sir, excuse me, is this store (indicating bag) in the mall?
Man: Yeah.
Frasier: And it's educational toys?
Man: Mmh mhh. Nothing but. It's just a couple of doors down.
Frasier: Yes! Petunia, there is a Santa Claus.
Man: No, they closed a half hour ago.
Frasier: Damn. (going through the items in the bag) Look, this is
perfect, look a chemistry lab, and a picture puzzle and...
(to man) You know my son comes in in half an hour and I've
absolutely nothing for him.
Niles: (checking watch) He'll be in in 22 minutes if he picks up
a good tailwind.
Man: You ahh, you really need this stuff bad, don't you?
Frasier: Oh, you have no idea, it would save my life.
Man: I'll tell you what. Seeing as how it's christmas..
Frasier: Oh, God bless you, sir.
Man: ..a thousand bucks.
Frasier: What? A thousand bucks?
Man: Hey. Take it or leave it.
Frasier: Well, I mean, there's just no more than a hundred dollars
worth of things here.
Niles: 'Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our descent into
Seattle airport'.
Man: I'm just trying to do you a favour here.
Frasier: Well it's some favour.
Niles: 'Please make sure your tables and seats are in their full
and upright position'.
Frasier: Shut up, Niles. All right, all right, lets see what I've
got here. (goes through pockets looking for money) All right
I've got ahh.. Here's three hundred dollars, would you,
would you accept a personal cheque for the rest?
Man: Hey, it's christmas.
Frasier: Oh, bless you, bless you so much. Very well. Thank you.
(to Niles) Niles, give the man a cheque.
Scene B: Frasier's apartment. Martin is there. Frasier comes in
from the bedrooms.
Martin: Where's Freddie?
Frasier: Putting on his pyjamas. Told me he would come in and say
goodnight after he brushes his teeth.
Martin: So how'd you do?
Frasier: (puting Frederick's presents under the tree) Well, I didn't
get exactly what I'd ordered, but I think I did all right.
I got him a microscope, a chemistry set, and a five thousand
piece puzzle of the Great Wall of China.
Martin: Well, maybe he'll have fun with the boxes.
(Niles enters carrying a large box)
Niles: Dad, here you go, this is the last box from the storeroom.
(puts box on coffee table)
Martin: Great.
Niles: Now, (pulls a pair of Santa legs out of the box) was this
what you were looking for?
Martin: Oh, yeah. (takes them) Santa's legs for the chimney, you
remember these babies?
Frasier: Oh yes. Inspired some spectacular christmas nightmares, the
year I found them under your bed.
Niles: Frasier. (taking another item from the box) Isn't this the
smoking jacket you gave dad a few years back?
Martin: What? Hey.. (feigning innocence) How did that get in there?
Frasier: (looking through box) Dad, these are all of the gifts I've
given you for the last six years.
Martin: Hey, c'mon now, shut the.. put 'em back. Close the box, will
ya?
Frasier: Dad, look at this. My God, they're still in the original
boxes, Never been worn.
Martin: Sure they have.
Frasier: Oh yeah. (showing him a tie) This one still has the tags
on it.
Martin: Look, this isn't the kind of conversation we should be having
on christmas eve.
Martin: Sure they have.
Frasier: No, Dad? Well, what was it you want to say?
Martin: Well you know Frasier, you're always giving people things
you think they should like. Instead of things that they
really like. I mean, come on, (picks up a smoking jacket)
in your entire life, have you ever seen me wear anything
like that?
Frasier: Well no. I thought you might like a change.
Martin: Well, it's like when you were a kid, remember? I wanted
you to love baseball. I wanted to get you a bat, gloves,
everything, for christmas. But you had your mind set on a
microscope, so that's what I gotcha.
Niles: And then when dad took us to a game, you spent the whole
time looking for rodent hairs in your hot-dog.
Martin: I'm just saying, christmas isn't the time you try to
mould somebody, which is what you're trying to do with
Frederick.
Frasier: I think I know what's good for my own son.
(Frederick comes in)
Frederick: I brushed my teeth, daddy
Frasier: Oh, that's my boy. Come on. (he picks Frederick up)
(Frederick says something to Niles in German and Niles replies.
This is why I won't be doing the episode with the swordfight)
Martin: Hey, you'd better get to sleep, or Santa won't come.
Frederick: Ok. I know just what Santa's bringing me this year, dad.
Martin: (aside) I bet you don't.
Frederick: Yes I do too. It's an 'Outlaw Laser Robo Geek'.
Frasier: What makes you think that?
Frederick: Because I asked Santa for it in my letter. They are sooo
cool.
Frasier: Ahh, listen ahh, Frederick, there's erm.. (Frederick runs
towards the bedroom) Frederick, where are you going?
Frederick: I'm going to make myself fall asleep right away, so
the next thing I know, it'll be morning. Goodnight Daddy.
Frasier: I'll come in and tuck you in in a minute.
Frederick: Goodnight grandpa. Goodnight uncle Niles.
Martin: Goodnight.
Niles: Goodnight Frederick. I'm going to go home and go to bed too.
Frederick: I hope aunt Maris comes out of her coma. (he goes to bed)
Niles: He asked where she was, I thought the truth might just upset
him. I'll see you in the morning, merry christmas.(he leaves)
Martin: See you tomorrow.
Frasier: Well, this is turning out to be quite a christmas.
Martin: Oh, it's going to be fine.
Frasier: Done it again. Gotten everyone the wrong gifts. What is
it about me? (getting present from under tree) Well, here,
you might as well open your gift now. No reason for everyone
to be disappointed tomorrow.
Martin: Hey. I'm sure I'm gonna love it. (he opens the gift.)
Frasier: I doubt it. Not exactly my night.
Martin: Hey. A robe. Great. I love it.
Frasier: No you don't. It's not a robe, it's a dressing gown. Noel
Coward would love it, but it's not you.
Martin: hey, I love Noel Coward.
Frasier: Dad, you're overcompensating.
Martin: Some people are hard to buy for, I'm sorry. But, you know,
you are too, I never know what to get you. Here. (puts
present in front of Frasier) You might as well open this
now.
Frasier: (opening present) Yeah. Guess it was easier,
when I was small. 'Cos kids always know what they want,
don't they?
Martin: Yeah, yeah. It's rough for adults.
(Frasier sees what's inside the box. He's almost in tears)
Frasier: Oh, dad.
Martin: Merry christmas, son.
Frasier: How did you know? It's jut what I always wanted. My very
own 'Outlaw Laser Robo Geek'.
(they hug)
Frasier: Oh, dad. Oh, oh, listen. Are the batteries included?
Martin: In the box.
Frasier: Dad!
End of Act Two. (Time: : )
Tag: Martin tries to take Eddie for a walk, but Eddie refuses
to move until the Santa out has been removed.
