The Adventures of Bad Boy and Dirty Girl Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by Philip
Charles MacKenzie
=====================================================================
Production Code: 3.7.
Original Airdate on NBC: 21st November, 1995.
Transcript written on 18th April, 1999.
Quotes and Scene Summary {simon aw}
- Act One. -
Daphne: [voice-over] Previously on Frasier...
This episode is the second in a two-parter (the first being Sleeping
With The Enemy), and begins with a montage of four clips from the
previous episode: Roz telling Frasier that Kate has cancelled the
KACL staffers' annual pay rise; Frasier and Kate arguing and then
kissing; Martin suggesting to Frasier that Kate may have been trying
to manipulate him; and finally, Frasier and Kate negotiating and then
kissing, again. See my transcript of Sleeping... for the details.
Scene:
Cafe Nervosa; Niles has just been served his coffee. He is walking
away from the bar when he sees Frasier entering.
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: [partly to himself] Damn, I didn't think you'd be here...
He takes off his coat and puts it on the coat-hanger.
Niles: [mildly sarcastic] Well, I would've gone to my regular
haunt, but 'The Pig in Swig' is closed for remodelling.
He sits down at a free table with his back to the doorway, and is
joined by Frasier, who settles opposite him.
Frasier: I'm sorry, Niles, it's just...I'm meeting Kate here. We
want to discuss the little dilemma in which we find
ourselves.
Niles, nonchalant, sets about pouring some sugar into his coffee.
Niles: You're talking about the little kiss you two shared. Hardly
constitutes a dilemma. Not as if you plunged into a tawdry
office affair.
Frasier: No.
Niles: Then you'd have a real problem.
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: A kiss...is nothing.
He stirs his now sugared coffee. Frasier is looking somewhat
uncomfortable.
Frasier: Right.
Niles: Had sex with her, didn't you?
He sips his coffee, giving Frasier a sharp look.
Frasier: I didn't mean to - it just...happened! One minute we were
negotiating, the next minute our inhibitions were
shattered - along with my kneecap and her Macintosh
PowerBook.
Niles: [surprised] This happened in her office...?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: [fascinated] What are you saying...her couch folds out?
Frasier: We used her desk.
Niles tries to imagine this.
Niles: [still fascinated] Her desk folds out...?!
Frasier sees Kate entering.
Frasier: [to Niles][anxious] There she is! Look, look, just make an
excuse and go, okay?
Frasier stands up.
Niles: Alright, okay. [turns around in his chair][to Kate] Aaaah,
Miss Costas.
Niles stands up.
Kate: [to Niles] Dr Crane.
Niles: [glances at his watch] Oh, look at the time! [to Frasier] I
er, have a session with my multiple personality.
Frasier: Aaaah.
Niles picks up his briefcase and goes to leave.
Niles: [to Frasier] Not to worry. If I'm late he can just...talk
amongst himself. [laughs]
Frasier motions at him to get out. Niles leaves.
Kate: So...good morning.
Frasier: Good morning.
Kate: How's your kneecap?
Frasier: Aaaah, well er, it's better, thanks.
They sit down; Kate takes Niles's place.
Frasier: And, and your laptop?
Kate looks at him confusedly.
Frasier: I refer to your computer.
Kate: A little dented, but fine - [smiles] the computer.
Frasier: [intimate] Aaaah, anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that
erm, well, last night was one of the greatest nights of
lovemaking I've had since...[alarmed] Roz!
Kate: Tell me she just walked in.
Roz walks in.
Roz: Well hi! Guess you guys kissed and made up, huh?
Frasier: [laughs][to Roz] Well, in a manner of speaking, yes. We
were just discussing the step system in a new healthcare
plans co-payment scheme and...well, it wouldn't interest
you.
Roz: [to Frasier][indignant] Oh, the hell it wouldn't! [sits down
at their table] You know, they're too cheap to pay for a
butt-lift. Sit on this thing all day long - that's work-
related!
Kate stands up. Frasier stands up, too.
Kate: [to Frasier] Listen, I really have to go, but I would like
to discuss this matter at the first possible opportunity.
Frasier: So would I.
Kate goes to leave, but stops and turns back momentarily.
Kate: Oh oh oh oh, I almost forgot. I need you two to fill in the
eight-to-ten slot tonight: Floyd the Happy Chef is in rehab
again.
Frasier: Aaaah.
Kate leaves.
Roz: [fed up] Oh, great! I'm supposed to have dinner with a
successful, handsome doctor!
Frasier sits down again.
Roz: She thinks we're all as happy to work all night as she is.
Frasier: Mmm-hm.
Roz: Well, you're a psychiatrist, Frasier. She's a cold,
repressed workaholic who has no sex life whatsoever. Can't
you help her?
Frasier: I've tried, Roz.
Scene:
Frasier's apartment. Martin is in The Armchair and is reading a
newspaper; Daphne is at the dining table and is doing some ironing;
Eddie is sitting on one of the chairs at the dining table. Frasier
enters.
Frasier: [annoyed] Why do we bother having a service elevator. [shuts
the door] I just rode up nineteen floors with two sweaty
moving-men munching on chilli-dogs which they proceeded to
drip onto my suede shoes. [looks down, and points, at his
shoes] How will I ever get that stain out?
Eddie jumps off his chair, runs over to Frasier, and licks the stains
off helpfully.
Frasier: Aaaah, yes. [goes to the coat-hanger] Dog saliva, nature's
miracle solvent. [takes off his coat and puts it on the
hanger] So, who's moving out, anyway?
Daphne: [to Frasier] Deirdre Sauvage - the one who writes the
romance novels.
Martin: Ah yeah. The lost Gabor sister's finally outta here.
Daphne: [to Martin] She's a very sweet person and I'm going to miss
her.
Martin: [to Daphne] Well, you're not the one she's always undressing
with her eyes. She lured me into her apartment one time,
supposedly to fix a lamp. Next thing I know, I gotta drink
in my hand, she's reading me a dirty poem about meadow
walks.
Frasier: Well, I must admit she's never done that to me.
Martin: [to Frasier] Yeah...well if she does, don't fake a charley
horse to get outta there. She'll just try to rub it.
Daphne: Speaking of romance, Dr Crane...when I washed your shirt
this morning, I couldn't help noticing lipstick in the
oddest places. I'll take it negotiations went well last
night...?
Frasier: I'd rather not discuss it, thank you.
Martin: [to Frasier] Why, is there a problem.
Frasier sits down on the couch.
Frasier: Things between me and Kate just went a little faster than I
intended.
Daphne: [amused] I'll say. There were also four buttons missing,
and teeth-marks in the shoulders!
Frasier: [annoyed] Thank you, Inspector Moon! [contemplative] Things
got a little out of hand. I think we should slow down a bit
but er, I'm afraid to tell her for fear of hurting her
feelings.
He turns towards Daphne, who has approached carrying a shirt.
Frasier: Daphne, how about a woman's perspective. Let's just say,
for argument's sake, that you and I succumbed to a, a night
of passion...
Daphne: [incredulous] What, you and me? [laughs]
Frasier: Yesss...?
Daphne: What - bosoms heaving, shirt buttons catapulting through the
air...?!
Frasier: [slightly annoyed] It's a hypothetical question.
Daphne: I'll say it is! [laughs again]
Frasier: Oh, alright, somebody else! Alright. So, you have a, a mad
tryst with this young man, and then the next day he says
that he thinks things are going too fast; he'd like to slow
down. What would you say?
Daphne: I, I suppose I'd say: 'Thanks for being honest. Probably
right, we were moving fast. [suddenly bitter] Not that it
was too fast for you last night...Ooooh, no, we were right
on schedule then, weren't we?'
Martin, disturbed, turns around in The Armchair and stares at her.
Daphne: [seemingly in her own world] 'But...!' 'No, you've had your
fun. Oh, not too much, apparently, and you want to be my
friend - [angry] well you can just sod off, Trevor
Mullgrew!'
She calms down and notices that Frasier and Martin are staring at
her.
Daphne: [shaky] You know, I think I might have some buttons for this
shirt...
She hurries off to her room.
Frasier: [resigned] You see, dad - the whole thing's a minefield.
Martin: Aaaah, you'll never learn, will ya? Handling a woman's
easy!
The doorbell rings. Frasier goes to get it.
Martin: You know, you kill me. Mister Psychiatrist. You've always
gotta make everything so complicated. A woman comes on too
strong, you just tell her to cool her engines! It's the
easiest thing in the world.
Frasier opens the door a fraction.
Frasier: [in greeting] Oh, Deirdre!
As soon as he hears this, Martin leaps out of The Armchair and heads
for his room, terrified.
Frasier: [to Deirdre] I understand you're leaving us.
Deirdre: Alas, yes!
Frasier: [to Deirdre] Oh, do come in!
He opens the door fully and she enters. Deirdre is a not greatly
attractive middle-aged woman with a British accent and blue attire.
Deirdre: [to Frasier] Thank you.
Martin is almost out of the room when Deirdre sees him. Naturally,
he has to give up - and disguise - his escape attempt.
Deirdre: [excited] Ohhh hello, Martin!
Martin forces a smile and hobbles over to her.
Deirdre: [to Martin] You've been so kind to me - I wanted to give you
my new address.
She gives him a piece of paper, which he accepts with much feigned
enthusiasm.
Martin: Oh, great! I'd hate to lose touch!
Deirdre: I also wanted to bring you a farewell gift: my latest novel,
Foolish Escapade. It's the long-awaited sequel to The Rose
and the Rapier.
She gives him a paperback book, which he accepts in the same manner
as before.
Martin: Swell!
Deirdre: [starts to stroke Martin's arm, flirtatiously] I was er,
thinking of you when I created the character of Lorenzo, the
lovesick gondolier...
Martin: [laughs] How 'bout that? Hah! Hey, where are my manners?
Let me show you out!
He takes her arm and tries to lead her towards the doorway, but she
stays put.
Deirdre: Oh, by the way, the lock on my suitcase is jammed. I was
erm, hoping that you'd come and...[strokes Martin's face,
very flirtatiously] tinker with it...
Martin leads her towards the doorway again, this time successfully.
Martin: Oh gee, you know, I'd love to, Deirdre; but I, I promised
Frasier I'd do something with him tonight.
He reaches the doorway and leads Deirdre into the corridor outside.
Frasier: Oh oh, dad, didn't I mention it? I'm filling in for The
Happy Chef tonight...
Martin turns away from Deirdre and back to Frasier, frantically
mouthing at him to go along with the excuse.
Frasier: ...so, you're all hers!
Deirdre: [thrilled] Oh, marvellous!
She grabs him by the arm and leaves. Martin has enough time to give
Frasier an angry look before being dragged away.
Frasier: Goodnight, Lorenzo.
He closes the door.
THE ADVENTURES OF
BAD BOY AND DIRTY GIRL
Scene:
The Frasier Crane Show. Frasier is in the studio; Roz, who is
dressed for a night out, is in her booth and is busy putting on some
make-up.
Frasier: [on air] Hello, Polly. How can I help you?
Polly: Oh, I'm so glad I got through! I'm sitting here not knowing
what to do. I find myself lacking a certain spice.
Frasier: [on air] Well, Polly; if you wanna shake up your routine,
why don't you er, try something new and dangerous - er, sky-
diving, belly-dancing perhaps. That ought to add some
spice!
Polly: What are you talking about? I'm making an apple tart - and
I'm out of cinnamon!
Frasier: [on air] I see. [presses a button][frustrated] Listeners...
for the fourth time this hour, I am not The Happy Chef. I
am the irritated psychiatrist, Dr Frasier Crane! [presses a
button][polite] We'll be right back after the news.
Roz grimaces as Frasier gets up and enters her booth.
Frasier: [annoyed] And while we're on the subject of tarts...
Roz: I'm really sorry about that call.
Frasier: No, it's alright, Roz. Why don't you just run along for
your date - I, I can handle the last ten minutes here.
Roz: Are you sure?
Frasier: Sure!
Roz, visibly eager to leave, grabs her handbag and stands up.
Roz: I mean, I feel terrible leaving you here alone in the lurch.
[whisks her coat off the back of her chair and rushes to the
side door] We are a team, Frasier; you just say the word and
I'll stay...[to someone in the corridor][shouts] Hey! Hold
that elevator!
She leaves hurriedly. Frasier shuts the side door. Kate enters the
studio; Frasier, returning from the booth, sees her.
Kate: Got a minute?
Frasier: Oh yes, er, look I, I'm glad you're still here [closes the
door to the booth], er, listen...
Kate: No no no, me first this time.
Frasier: Okay.
Kate: [clears throat] I really think that we should slow things
down.
Frasier: [relieved] Oh, I am so glad you said that! I wanted to say
the same thing but I was, I was afraid that you'd feel I was
rejecting you!
Kate: Oh, how sensitive. And yet, at the same time, how full of
yourself.
Frasier: [amused] You are one tough nut, lady.
Kate: [relaxed] Well, all this definitely shows we're doing the
right thing.
Frasier: Agreed. Frankly, now that we've got that settled, d'you
mind if I ask you a question about last night?
Kate: Yeah.
Frasier: What the hell was that?
Kate: I have no idea! I, ever since I've gotten here, you have
done nothing but irritate me like a persistent skin rash.
Frasier: And you me! And, and, and last night was no different. You
just kept talking and talking and talking, and I guess that
mouth of yours just ticked me off so much I just had to have
it!
Kate: The whole thing...it's just, it's so primitive!
Frasier: Yeah, yeah, animal...we were just functioning on instinct.
Kate: It's fascinating, really.
Frasier: Oh oh, let's not dismiss the element of danger - all those
people outside that could have walked in any moment and
caught us.
Kate: That crossed my mind...
Frasier: [contemplative] For once, in my cautious, button-down life,
I felt like a real bad boy.
Kate: [partly to herself][sheepish] I felt like a...dirty girl.
Frasier: [intrigued] What did you just call yourself?
Kate: [unashamed] I said 'dirty girl'.
A mischievous look appears on her face.
Kate: [flirtatious] You bad boy. [grins excitedly]
Frasier: [aroused and mock-disapproving] You dirty girl.
Kate: [sexily] You bad boy!
Frasier: Dirty girl!
Kate: [whispers] Bad boy...!!
Frasier: [excited] Dirty girl...!!
They kiss, violently. Cut to outside the studio, looking in through
the window; we see Frasier and Kate anxiously stagger to the window
and close the blinds. Cut back to inside. Still holding each other,
they bump up against the studio console and lie on top of it,
snogging rabidly.
Kate: [urgent] How much time do we have left on the news?
Frasier: Three minutes. [kisses her]
Kate: Right...[kisses him]
Frasier: But that's alright, I can play lots of extra commercials!
[kisses her]
Kate: Oh good, [kisses him] good!
Cut to Frasier's apartment. Martin and Daphne are sitting at the
dining table, playing dominoes; Eddie is on a chair near them. The
radio, tuned to KACL, is on.
Radio: [newsreader's voice:] In local news, congressman Robert Gill
was accused of accepting bribes from a waste treatment
facility. Asked to comment, the congressman said...
[Frasier's voice cuts in, suddenly:][orgasmic] Yes! YES!!!
Martin and Daphne freeze and stare at each other in shock; Eddie
turns towards the radio.
Radio: [Frasier's voice:] I am a bad boy, aren't I? You dirty
girl! Come here, bad boy!
Cut to Niles driving his car; we view this through a camera on the
car's bonnet, looking through the windscreen. The radio is on, and
Niles is agape.
Radio: [Frasier's voice:] Oh, yes! [worried] Oh no, is that the on-
air light? [Kate, whispering:] Stop talking...[Frasier's
voice:] Must have hit the switch with your elbow while we
were...[Kate again, whispering:] Stop talking...! [Frasier's
voice:] Let's try to get dressed while we still...
Niles: [stares at the radio][shouts] Stop talking!
Niles returns his attention to the road, but he has been looking away
for too long: an expression of horror passes over his face before he
brakes hard and crashes into the car in front. The airbag inflates,
not only obscuring him from view but also trapping him in his seat;
he struggles weakly behind it.
- Act Two. -
DIRTY GIRL, SIGN IN PLEASE
Scene:
KACL; Frasier's studio the next day, before showtime. There are
several newspapers on the console. Roz is standing next to Frasier's
chair, reading a paper while waiting for him. He enters.
Roz: [triumphant] Okay, Fabio. I want two things. One: you will
never make another crack about my sex life. I don't care if
I start dating a lumber-camp.
Frasier: Done.
Roz: And two: who's 'Dirty Girl'? [smiles]
Frasier: I can't tell you that!
Roz: [eager] Oh, come on, Frasier! I swear, I won't tell a soul!
The phone rings. Roz answers it.
Roz: [on the phone] Yes? [turns away from Frasier][quiet] Not
yet, I'll call you back.
She puts the phone down and gets a distrustful glare from Frasier.
Bulldog enters.
Bulldog: Doc? I got one thing to say to you.
Frasier: Go ahead, take your best shot.
Bulldog: [in genuine admiration] I am so proud of you man.
He hugs Frasier, who is very unmoved.
Frasier: [sarcastic] Well, doesn't that just put the cherry on the
parfait.
Bulldog: Now come on, you gotta tell me - who's the mystery chick?
Frasier: Bulldog, haven't you already seen? [points to the
newspapers] I've told half-a-dozen reporters that I'm not
going to name names.
Roz picks up a newspaper and shows it to Bulldog.
Roz: [to Bulldog] Don't you see this right here? [reads] 'I Won't
Fink Says Kinky Shrink.'
Roz and Bulldog laugh; Frasier looks fed up. Roz leaves for her
booth. Then, a rather uncomfortable-looking Kate creeps into the
studio from the side door.
Kate: Good afternoon, Dr Crane.
Frasier: Miss Costas.
Bulldog: [to Kate] Hey, hey, you're the boss - make him tell who his
playmate was.
Kate: [pained] Bulldog, this is really none of your business.
Bulldog: Oh, but we got a pool going. So far, hot money's on Roz.
Roz, who has just returned, is outraged.
Roz: What? Oh, well, thank you, but I think I have a little more
self-respect than to have a quickie with a co-worker on the
air! What kind of slut do they think I am?
Kate looks extremely uncomfortable.
Kate: Dr Crane, could I have a word with you in private?
Frasier: Er, I I'd love that, but I, I've got my show in two minutes.
Kate: Actually you don't.
Frasier: What?
Kate: I'm suspending you for a week. [to Bulldog] Bulldog, you're
going on. [to Roz] Roz - you'll have to produce.
Bulldog: Alright!
He slaps Roz's butt, enthusiastically; Roz hits him in the stomach
with her clipboard, viciously.
Frasier: [to Kate] I must say, I find that a, a bit harsh, all things
considered.
Kate: Yes, I can see how you might feel that way. But the station
does have certain standards and it is my job to enforce
them. Now if you will excuse me, I have to meet with one of
last night's sponsors - The Wholesome Family Cookie Company.
She leaves.
Scene:
Frasier's apartment. Frasier enters. It is dark, so he presses the
light switch. The lights go up and we see Martin, who had been
reading a newspaper with the aid of a pen torch, sink into The
Armchair in alarm.
Martin: Hey! Turn those lights out!
Frasier does so and closes the door. Martin relaxes.
Frasier: Why?
Martin: Deirdre hasn't finished moving yet. If she sees the light
in here, she'll know I'm home! You can see your living room
from her bedroom.
Frasier: Her bedroom...?
Martin: She had me cornered in there yesterday. I don't mind
telling ya, I haven't been that scared since Korea.
Frasier turns the lights back on and Martin sinks into The Armchair
again. Frasier goes to the coat-hanger.
Frasier: Don't worry, dad; look, I have no intention of letting
anyone in here tonight. Damn tabloid news crew down in the
lobby. [takes off his coat] Had to go in the back way and
use the service elevator. [puts his coat on the hanger]
Martin: Say, I tuned in to your show tonight. Why weren't you in
it?
Frasier: [sulky] If you must know, I've been suspended for a week.
Martin: Oh, no.
Frasier: [depressed] Spent the last three hours at the observation
deck of The Space Needle, looking down on a city that's
looking down on me.
He sits on the couch and cradles his face in his hands. Daphne
enters from her room.
Daphne: Hello, Dr Crane.
Frasier: Daphne.
The doorbell rings.
Frasier: [to Daphne] I'm not here.
Daphne goes to the door.
Daphne: Yes. Your father's not here either. It's so nice having
the whole house to meself.
She opens the door; Niles enters.
Niles: Daphne.
Daphne: Oh, how lovely. Now, the whole family's not here.
She closes the door and goes to sit on the couch armrest, next to
Frasier. Niles walks over to the couch.
Niles: [to Frasier] I listened to your programme as I was driving
home last night. [holds up two pieces of paper] Here's a
bill to replace the front wheel of my Mercedes, and the
second to replace the back bumper of some wretched little
domestic car.
He gives the bills to Frasier, who snatches them off him, annoyed.
Martin: Go easy on your brother, Niles - he's had a rough day.
Niles: You're right, dad. [sits on the couch][sympathetic] Er,
Frasier, please accept my apologies. I, I can imagine how
trying this must have been for you.
Frasier: Thanks, Niles.
Niles: [unsympathetic again] 'Course, it's been no picnic for those
of us who share your name. My Maris took it particularly
hard. When I left this morning, she was ordering new
stationery with an accent aigu over the 'e' in our name.
Hereafter, her memos will read: 'From the desk of Maris
{Crah-nay}.'
The doorbell rings. Daphne goes to the door and looks through the
peep-hole.
Daphne: [through the door] Who is it?
Kate: [outside] Kate Costas.
Everyone in the room panics momentarily.
Frasier: Wait, wait! Alright, all of you. [stands up] You know
nothing about last night!
Daphne opens the door. Niles and Martin stand up.
Daphne: Hello!
Kate: [to Daphne] Hello...!
Daphne: Come in!
A subdued-looking Kate enters. Frasier makes some rapid and slightly
awkward introductions.
Frasier: Hello, Kate. [gestures at Niles] Er, you know Niles, of
course. [gestures at Martin] Er, this is my...
Kate: [to Martin] Hello.
Frasier: ...father, Martin...
Martin: [to Kate] Hi!
Frasier: ...and er, [points at Daphne] here's healthcare worker
Daphne - Kate Costas.
Daphne: [to Kate] Nice to meet you.
Kate: I'm sorry if I'm coming at a bad time.
Martin: Oh no, no I, I, we were just taking Eddie for a walk.
[heads towards the door]
Daphne: Yeah. [calls to Eddie] Eddie!
Niles: I have to be running along too.
Eddie runs up to Daphne. Niles and Martin join her near the doorway;
Martin opens the door.
Daphne: [to Eddie] Oh, what's that on your chin? Have you been in
the garbage again? [turns to leave] You Bad Boy!
Everyone freezes, except for bad boy Eddie, who scampers out. Kate
is mortified. After a few moments of very awkward silence, Daphne,
Martin and Niles leave hastily, shutting the door behind them.
Kate: So. Nice place. [goes towards the balcony] Woooh, what a
view!
Frasier: [bitter] Yes. I'll be enjoying it during my suspension.
Kate: Well...I guess that concludes the small-talk portion of our
evening. Look, it must be obvious; I've come here to
apologise.
Frasier: [annoyed] Oh, really - for what? Turning on me when I went
out of my way to protect you? You know, we're both
responsible for this. Yet I end up looking like an idiot
and you look like a no-nonsense boss!
Kate: Alright, alright, just tell me what I can do to make this
right.
Frasier: [sulky] Nothing! There is nothing you can do, there is
nothing you can say to make this up to me.
Kate: [firm] The owners wanted you fired.
Frasier reacts with an odd mixture of shocked relief and embarrassed
gratitude.
Frasier: That's pretty good!
Kate: [resigned] Look, there's no way we can rewrite the past. It
happened, we did it...it's on tape. But we can do this: we
can prevent it from ever happening again.
Frasier: Agreed. Obviously, there's some kind of incredible
attraction between us. The trick will be simply to avoid
the opportunity. We're strong, we're intelligent...and
we're alone in this apartment.
They contemplate this for a moment.
Kate: [anxious] I'll get my bag! [quickly goes to get it]
Frasier: Yes...
Cut to the corridor outside Frasier's apartment. Kate emerges and is
about to press the button for the elevator when Frasier, following,
stops her.
Frasier: Oh Kate, Kate, er, that news crew's probably still in the
lobby.
Kate: Right.
Frasier: Let me walk you to the service elevator...
He shuts the door of his apartment and they leave down a corridor.
Cut to outside the service elevator. The doors are open; inside,
items of furniture and assorted junk are stacked around the walls. A
moving-man is just leaving. Kate and Frasier enter and walk in.
Kate: [to the moving-man] Going down?
Man: No, you guys go ahead. Just send it back up!
The moving-man leaves. Kate presses a button and the doors close.
Cut to inside the elevator as it begins to descend.
Frasier: Yes...well, I'm sure if we really try, we can keep things on
a professional footing.
Kate: We're two mature adults.
Frasier: Just have to avoid all undue temptation.
Suddenly, the elevator shudders to a halt and the lights go out,
leaving Frasier and Kate in darkness and silence.
Frasier: What's going on?
Kate: I dunno. [calls out] Hello?
Frasier: You know, let's have a little light.
He flicks open his lighter and, by its tiny flame, begins to look
around inside the elevator.
Kate: [calls out] Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me?
The moving-man, from somewhere up above, calls down the elevator
shaft.
Man: [somewhere above] Hello?
Kate: [calls out] Yeah! What's going on?
Frasier, having seen some candles in a corner, begins to light them;
gradually, the elevator is illuminated.
Man: [somewhere above] Looks like you're stuck. Same thing
happened this morning. Took about half an hour to fix. You
two guys gonna be okay?
Kate: [calls out] Yeah, yeah, we're fine. We're adults. We're
mature adults.
She glances around herself anxiously. Frasier, having fired up three
candles, burns his hand lighting a fourth.
Frasier: Ow!
Nursing his hand, he stumbles against a large object propped up
against the back of the elevator, causing it to fall forward and lie
flat in the middle of the floorspace. It turns out to be a large
mattress-bed - big enough to accommodate two. They eye it uneasily.
Frasier: It's getting sorta hot in here, isn't it.
Kate: [nervous] Yeah. It's a bit, it's a bit hot.
Frasier: You don't mind if I take off my jacket, do you?
Kate: [steadfast] Makes no difference to me.
Frasier takes off his jacket and drops it onto the mattress; he also
loosens his tie.
Frasier: Well. Looks like we're gonna be here for a little while -
may as well try to make ourselves comfortable.
Their eyes stray towards the mattress...
Frasier: [tries to ignore it] Maybe there are some chairs in here.
They both start looking through the stuff piled up against the sides
of the elevator - Frasier on the left-hand side, and Kate on the
right. Frasier sees something next to a dressing-table.
Frasier: Ah, here we are! I'll just have to move this down along...
He pushes the dressing-table, and from inside it, some tinkly music
begins to play - redolent of bedrooms and romance. They freeze when
they hear it.
Kate: What's that?
Frasier: I must have knocked open a music box in here somewhere.
He opens the dresser. Inside, he finds fluffy women's panties and an
array of high-heeled shoes.
Kate: [irritable] I'm not really in the mood for music. Could you
stop that, please?
Frasier: Yes, yes, I'll try.
He starts to dig into the panties.
Kate: God, it's hot in here!
As she takes off her jacket, Frasier pulls some frilly clothes out of
the dresser. There is the sound of glass breaking against the floor.
Kate: What's that smell?
Frasier searches the floor.
Frasier: I seem to have broken a bottle of something...
He freezes and gazes at her.
Frasier: [worried] Musk oil...!
Kate is becoming increasingly tense. Frasier returns to searching
the dresser for the source of the music, pulling open the drawers.
Frasier: [desperate] Oh, oh, where is that damn music box! [rifles
through another drawer] Here it is! [picks it up and turns
it off]
Kate: I really think that it would be a very good thing if you
just did something about that musk oil...
Frasier closes the drawers.
Frasier: Ah, yes, alright, er, how about...Oh I know, hand me that
dropcloth there and maybe I can just smother it.
He points at what looks like a dusty, mouldy old piece of curtain
hanging behind Kate. She takes it off of the wall, revealing a large
framed picture of a muscular, semi-naked hero embracing a voluptuous,
semi-naked heroine; above the lovers, a lurid title reads Surrender
to Bliss, and below them is the name 'Deirdre Sauvage'. It is
evidently the cover art for a work of romantic fiction. Frasier and
Kate, upon seeing it, avert their eyes.
Kate: [annoyed and very tense] Who lives in this building?
Frasier: You know er, I think we can just forego the musk oil right
now. Why don't you just cover, cover that back on.
Kate dumps the dropcloth onto the mattress and brushes herself off.
Kate: No no no no no, not gonna touch this thing again. Look at
me, I'm all dirty.
Kate freezes and stares at Frasier, who is himself visibly bursting
with desire. Then, finally surrendering to bliss, they dive onto the
mattress and grab each other - but, at the last moment, somehow
manage to hold back from the usual kissing.
Kate: Ooh, stop - stop - stop!
Frasier: You're right!
Still holding onto each other, they take a few relieved breaths.
Frasier: We have gazed into the gaping maw of temptation, and
survived!
They separate and sit on the mattress, side-by-side.
Frasier: My God, I'm, I'm, I'm proud of us! [laughs]
Kate: [laughs] I am, too! God!
Frasier: [relaxed] Aaaah.
Kate looks upwards.
Kate: 'Course...the cable could break.
Frasier: [tense again] We'd be kicking ourselves all the way down...
Kate: You are so right!
They kiss, and just like the previous two times, Frasier ends up
lying on top of Kate. Suddenly, the lights come back on and the
elevator begins to descend again. They hurriedly get up and set
about returning the furniture, mattress, clothes, candles etc. to
their original conditions and places. Cut to outside the elevator on
the ground floor, several seconds later; a moving-man is waiting.
The doors open. Everything has been tidied up, including Frasier's
and Kate's attire.
Kate: [with businesslike impersonality] Goodnight, Dr Crane.
Frasier: [also businesslike] Miss Costas.
Kate leaves. The moving-man enters and presses a button. As the
elevator doors close, we see Frasier roll his eyes in relief.
Credits:
The corridor outside Frasier's apartment. Martin emerges with Eddie
on a leash. He looks around carefully, presses the elevator button,
and waits close to the elevator doors, nervously keeping his back to
them. He continues to scan the corridor and presses the button again
with impatience. The elevator doors open and, as he backs into the
lift, we see that a very excited Deirdre is there; Martin does not
notice her until it is too late to escape.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Simon Aw. This episode
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
