Leapin' Lizards Written by
Directed by
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Production Code: 3.4
Episode Number In Production Order:
Original Airdate on NBC:
Episode filmed on
Transcript written on 30th June 2000
Transcript {nicholas hartley}
[Act One]
[Scene One - Radio Station.
Frasier is sat in his booth reading some papers as Niles taps at his
window. Frasier signals for him to enter]
Frasier: Hello, Niles.
Niles: Frasier, quick, give me your museum membership card.
Frasier: What for?
Niles: I just heard tickets go on sale today for the exhibit of
fourteenth century Japanese nit suki figurines.
Frasier: Oh, then the rumours were true?
Niles: Hurry, hurry, I want to get there before the line forms.
[Frasier is about to hand it over when Roz enters]
Roz: Five seconds. [exits]
Frasier: Oh, just give me a minute, Niles. Just sit tight, huh?
Niles: And we're back. Before we take our last call, I'd like to
remind you that "Mercy Hospital" will be conducting free
blood pressure testing this Saturday on "Whitby Island".
[Niles takes a sweet out of his pocket and begins to unwrap
it] Hypertension leads to stroke, heart disease and other
maladies so we should all be on the look out for symptoms
like shortness of breath, quickening of pulse, [Niles' sweep
wrap is causing a loud noise] irritable... [presses button],
Oh, just shove the damn thing in your mouth! [presses button
as Niles puts sweet and wrapper into mouth] ...Let's all
join together to help defeat this silent killer.
[Niles now tries to pull the sweet wrapper out of him mouth causing
more noise. Frasier signals him to exit to Roz's booth. Roz silences
him]
Frasier: Roz, who is on the line?
Roz: On line four we have Mac who's recently moved here from
Australia and he's having a problem with a co-worker.
Frasier: Hello, Mac, welcome to Seattle, I'm listening.
Mac: [v.o - broad Australian accent] Well, mate, it like your
Shelia said. I working with a real yob-out. He goes on and
on about things nobody gives a billabong about just to show
off how smart he is.
Frasier: Well, you have my sympathy, there's nothing more irritating
that pointless and pretentious airudition. My advice to you
is to simply avoid him, is that possible?
Mac: [v.o] Not really, you bloody wallaby!
[Bulldog taps on the window behind him, he's making the prank call,
others are gather around him]
Bulldog: You're on right before me! Stay tuned for the Bulldog.
[growls]
[Frasier grimaces]
Frasier: Well, that's one one me, or rather one on me and my call
screener, Roz, who's ancestors were once heard remarking,
"Oh, what a nice wooden horse, of course I'll sign for it".
[Roz is not amused] This is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you
good mental health.
[Bulldog enters with his trolley]
Bulldog: Gotcha!
Frasier: How many times have I asked to desist with your adolescent
antics.
Bulldog: I've got a sense of humour!
Frasier: I mean it, I'll go over your head!
Bulldog: [sarcastic] Stop it, you're scaring me!
Roz: [enters] Listen, you sleazy little whining pip, you do that
one more time and I'll cut you off. [he laughs] And I don't
mean mid-sentance!
Bulldog: [truly fearful] Stop it, you're scaring me!
[Frasier enters Roz's booth where Niles is waiting]
Frasier: Do you believe these hi-jinks I have to put up with?
Niles: No. Who would have thought it with a station whose current
motto is "Yakkaty, Yak, We Talk Back".
Frasier: Oh, run along. [hands him museum card]
[Frasier and Niles walk down the hallway and bump into Kate]
Kate: Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Miss. Costas, I'd like you to meet my brother, Dr. Niles
Crane.
Kate: How do you do?
Niles: En Chanté, I'd love to stay and chat but I'm off to get
tickets for Frasier and me at the Japanese nit suki exhibit.
Kate: You'll love it. I saw it in Qui Oto, it's just such a shame
they're not letting the really rare pieces out of the
country.
Niles: [dissapointed] Oh. [hands back card to Frasier] As my
Japanese gardener says, "Mai Moshi Chico Sho".
Kate: Watch your mouth!
Niles: Oh, you speak Japanese? [she nods] Oh, I'll just retreat so
that I can be one with my humiliation.
[Niles bows and exits]
Frasier: Oh, Kate, can I have a word with you?
Kate: I'm in kind of a hurry.
Frasier: Yes, well, it'll just take a moment.
Kate: I seriously doubt that but go ahead.
Frasier: Yes, I've tried dealing with this problem on my own but
Bulldog insists on interrupting my show with his foolish
pranks.
Kate: I heard.
Frasier: Yes, well I did not spend eight gruelling years at Harvard
to be mocked by that juvenille jack ass!
Kate: Shameless!
Frasier: Oh, he's beyond shameless!
Kate: I'm talking about the way you manage to get Harvard into
every conversation.
Frasier: Well, I'm sure you'll mention your honour lodger too, some
day, when it's credited!
Kate: Gee, you sure know how to ask for help!
Frasier: No, I'm sorry.
Kate: I know, I'll take care of it.
Frasier: Just make sure he understands that...
Kate: [quipping] You went to Harvard, I know, I know. [exits]
[Frasier exits down the hallway as Bulldog carries on with his show]
Jack: [v.o] Hey, the key to this game is the husky secondary.
Bulldog: Jack, how can I put this to you delicately? You're a moron!
Shut up. You know squat. You know less than squat. You and
squat could go to the movies and squat could wear an "I'm
With Stupid" T-Shirt.
Jack: [v.o] You're awesome, Bulldog. Way to nail a blow on Dr.
Crane! You are the greatest!
Bulldog: Yeah, whatever, shut up. Now, look, all you guys sending in
any postcards to win tickets to the Sea Hawks game - do I
need another picture of the space needle? [Kate enters]
Chicks in thongs! Enough said? [he notices her] We'll be
back, right after this. [presses button] Hey, what I just
said, I'm sorry. I meant to say women in thongs.
Kate: Stop busting Frasier's chops, enough said?
Bulldog: Well I could but see all these lines lit up. They're all
waiting to tell me how funny it was.
Kate: [presses to his producer] Are all these callers waiting to
tell Bulldog how much they liked the joke he played on
Frasier.
Pete: All except the guy on nine, he thinks Bulldog sucks.
Kate: Because of what he did to Frasier?
Pete: No, just in general.
Bulldog: So, what do you want me to do?
Kate: If you think I'm going to allow you to publically mock one
of our most respected hosts on air just for the sake of
higher ratings, you and I are going to get along just fine!
[Kate and Bulldog give each other a smile]
Singing In The Rain
[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
We hear thunder as rain descends on the balcony outside the
apartment. Martin's dog, Eddie, is sat nervous on his owner's chair
as Daphne enters with some paté]
Daphne: Come on, Eddie, you love paté. And this is the good stuff.
[Frasier enters] Uh-oh.
Frasier: Two syllables every home-owner loves to hear upon entering
the door. Would that have anything to do with the fact that
you're feeding my imported Fois Gras to a dog?
Daphne: Well, I'm sorry, but it calms him during the thunder.
Frasier: Oh, well, heaven forbid that Eddie should ever work a nerve!
When Niles gets here we'll have sherry and sn'ausages!
Daphne: That reminds me. Dr. Crane will be a bit late. Your father
asked him to stop at the vet and pick up some pills for
Eddie.
[The phone rings]
Frasier: I know, he's had a hard day. How come no one ever brings me
tranquilisers!
Daphne: I've often wondered that myself.
[Frasier answers the phone. The scene now keeps changing between
Bulldog on air at KACL and Frasier on the phone in his apartment.
Bulldog is putting on a voice as the rest crowd round him]
Bulldog: Hello, this is Dr. Julius Erving. I'm calling for Dr. Niles
Crane. His receptionist said he might be there.
Frasier: I'm sorry, I am expecting him if you'd like to leave a
message.
Bulldog: No, no, nothing important. Some of the boys here at the club
have a little bet going about "The Mickado".
Frasier: Well, perhaps I can help, I'm Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier
Crane and as luck would have it, I was in an all male
version of "The Mickado" at Oxford. People still ask to see
my "Yum-Yum".
Bulldog: I don't suppose you happen to remember the words to "Three
Little Maids".
Frasier: Well, let me see. Well, of course my falsetto isn't what it
used to be but, um... [high pitched voice:] "Three little
maids from school are we, prim as a school girl may well be,
filled to the brim with girlish glee, three little maids for
school!"
[Martin enters laughing with his radio]
Frasier: Dad, would you please be quiet. I'm trying to settle a bet,
here.
Martin: Sure. Some caller bet Bulldog he couldn't make you sing over
the air. [laughs]
Bulldog: Syanora, Doc'!
Frasier: [hangs up] Well, dad, I'm glad to see that you're amused.
Having your own son humiliated publicaly.
Martin: Oh, come on, it's funny. He makes everybody look stupid. The
guys in the news room, Chopper Dave...
Frasier: That is not exactly a miracle transformation when it comes
to Chopper Dave. A man whose life work consists of looking
down at the freeway and saying, "Crowded", "Not Crowded".
[picks up his coat]
Martin: Where are you going?
Frasier: To the station!
Martin: Oh, come on, Frasier, don't take it all so seriously. You
know we played jokes like this all the time when I was on
the force. The day they replaced my bullet proof vest with a
big lacey bra, I knew I was one of the guys.
Frasier: Thank you, dad. It also clears up a question that's troubled
me for years concering the night you were shot! [exits]
[Scene Three - Radio Station.
Bulldog is still doing his show on air]
Bulldog: The "Sea Men" that's what you want to name our expansion
hocket team?! "The Seattle Sea Men"! Why don't you take your
two IQ points, rub them together, see if you can't start a
fire, beat it! [presses another button] Hey, you're in the
doghouse!
Caller: Hey, am I on?
Bulldog: Yes, take as long as you want! [presses another button]
Next.
Caller: Hey, Bulldog, you're the man. How about we name them "The
Bulldogs".
Bulldog: Hey, you want to suck up? Send money!
Caller: Wait, wait, wait, wait, I got another one. [Frasier enters
with a menacing eye] What about, "The Lizards"?
Bulldog: I hate lizards, they're disgusting. They make my skin crawl.
You're an idiot and you don't deserve to live!
Caller: You're the best, Bulldog!
Bulldog: Shut up! Back in thirty!
[Bulldog hands over to commercials]
Frasier: I warned you.
Bulldog: Hey, hey, clear your jets. Kate told me to keep busting ya'.
Said it's good for ratings. You gotta beat, take it up with
her!
Frasier: I don't believe you.
Bulldog: [presses over to producer] Pete, what did Kate say?
Pete: She said you're a pig.
Bulldog: No, before that!
Pete: She said keep raggin' on the doc'!
[Frasier exits in anger]
[Scene Four - KACL Foyer.
Frasier enters the foyer and goes up to the receptionist]
Frasier: I want to talk to Kate now!
Receptionist: She's not in.
Frasier: [unbelieving] Oh, very clever, she's not in like
that'll make me go away!
[Frasier enters the office to find she is actually not in]
Frasier: She's not in!
Kate: [enters, to receptionist:] I need a copy of our contract
with Nanette Steward. [notices Frasier] What's "Yum-Yum"
doing here. It's all right, I can guess.
Frasier: You promised you'd put an end to Bulldog's shenanigans and
instead you encouraged him. [notices Kate has pulled
Nanette's name from the board] You're cancelling "Pet Chat
With Nanette"?! She's been on for six years.
Kate: Yeah, but she's been floating at the top of the bowl for the
last two. When I went in to talk to Bulldog, the phones were
lit up like Times Square, he's fans love it when he zaps
you.
Frasier: So, you would have me ridiculed for the sake of those
hyenas!
Kate: No, I would have you fight back. He makes pot shots at you,
you come back at him in your drole, Ivy League, "look at me
I've got a thesaurus" kind of way!
Kate: It'll be funny!
Frasier: Funny?! Funny!
[Scene Five - Radio Station.
The scene carries on as Frasier follows her into the main booth area]
Frasier: I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with a man who's
favourite t-shirt reads "Seattle Hooter Inspector"!
Kate: Afraid of the competition?
Frasier: I am a doctor, I went to... [of her look] ...medical school!
I will not embarass myself by engaging in a grab for
ratings.
Kate: You just announced to a half a million listeners that you
are filled to the brim with girlish glee, I think the "H.M.S
Pinafore" of embarassment has sailed! Now, if you'll excuse
me, I have to fire someone.
[Kate looks through the booth window at Nanette, who waves back at
her with her little pet dog]
Kate: Oh, God, she brought Spikey!
Frasier: Kate, this is not over!
Kate: Do you know what your problem is? You have no sense of
humour!
Frasier: I am sick and tired of people telling me that.
Kate: Well, then, lighten up! [exits to Nanette's booth]
[Meanwhile, Bulldog carries on with his show]
Bulldog: I asked the Raiders defensive line to describe their
tackling skills and here's what they said. [cues tape]
Frasier: [v.o] Three little maids from school are we, three little
maids from school!
[Frasier scowls at him from afar]
[End of Act One] [time: : ]
[Act Two]
The Nose Knows
[Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Daphne answers the door to Niles]
Niles: Good evening, Daphne.
Daphne: Evening, Dr. Crane. Did you bring Eddie's pills.
Niles: Yes and the vet gave very specific instructions. [takes them
out and reads] "Take one tablet per hour or as needed until
trembling subsides". [realises] I'm sorry, these are for
Maris. [take some others out] Those are for Eddie, here you
go. [hands them over]
Daphne: I'll just hide his pill in a bit of food. Like our Grammy
Moon used to get grandad to take his heart medicine.
Niles: If he had heart problems, why wouldn't he want to take his
medicine?
Daphne: Don't think that nosey coroner didn't ask the same question!
Num-nums, Eddie.
[Daphne feeds him the pill in some food as Niles pours some sherry]
Daphne: Oh, he's a good boy. [strokes him] Normally I don't believe
in popping pills for every little upset.
Niles: I quite agree! My nerves are bothered by this constant
thundering, too, but I would never turn to drugs to calm
down.
[Niles sniffs his sherry]
Niles: Oh, mommy!
[Niles takes a sip as Daphne rolls her eyes. Martin enters from his
room]
Martin: Hey, Niles, you're not going to believe what happened to
Frasier.
Niles: Oh, I heard the whole thing. [laughs]
Martin: You listen to Bulldog's program?
Niles: [deadpan] Yes, dad, I can't sleep nights till I find out who
hurled what ball through what apparatus. [laughs] No, no, no,
no, it was on at the vet's.
[Frasier enters. He looks very angry and is soaked to the skin, he
slams his umbrella down]
Frasier: You would think that in a city with this much rain, that
people would develop an etiquette about it, but no! They buy
umbrellas that are too big for them, you have to walk into
the street to get around them and then they drive too close
to the curb so that you're sure to get splashed! And the
wear brown shoes with white socks!
Daphne: What has that got to do with the rain?
Frasier: Nothing! But, really, get a fashion sense!
Martin: Well, I guess things didn't go too well at the station, huh,
what happened?
Frasier: It turned out the station manager is encouraging Bulldog's
little pranks. Now she wants me to return his fire on the
air. Well, I thought the idea was absurd at first but now
I'm starting to warm to it.
Niles: I say have at him! He's grossly over matched but he did
bring this on himself.
Frasier: You know, you're right, Niles. If I have to fight cheap and
dirty on his own turfs then I will!
Martin: [unsure] Uhhhh...
Frasier: And what is that supposed to mean?
Martin: Well, I don't think it's a good idea, you know, Bulldog's
pretty good at this kind of thing. He's a funny guy.
Frasier: And, I'm not funny?
Martin: Uhhhh...
Frasier: I don't believe this!
Niles: Well, now, obviously dad's forgetting the time you took the
names of our wine club board and turned them all into
wickedly derisive anagrams! [laughs]
[They both laugh and shout out in memory "Sidney Ass Basket"! They
laugh uncontrollably and soon Martin joins in]
Frasier: Now, you see, dad, I made you laugh.
Martin: No, I'm looking at Eddie.
[Martin points Eddie out who seems to be knocked out from the
sedatives. Daphne notices and starts laughing with him]
Daphne: I guess he won't be needing a second pill!
Martin: Now, now, Frasier, don't get me wrong. I think you're witty,
you're clever, but funny's different, funny's somebody who
makes you laugh with your belly. Now, Bulldog's funny.
Duke's cousin, Louie, now, he's really funny! He's like
Jackie Gleeson, only loud! He makes you laugh so hard the
beer comes out of your nose.
Daphne: You know what feels good through the nose? A warm cup of
cocoa. [the rest look at her, she says in memory] I just may
go home for Christmas this year.
Frasier: You know, just because I haven't caused anyone to blow beer
through their nostrils, doesn't mean that I can't. Anyone
who can compose a clever bard can certainaly master the
intricies of the whoppee coushin!
Martin: Well, I wouldn't be too sure about that. It's a lot harder
than you think.
Frasier: All right, you just tune into Bulldog's show tomorrow. Pop
open a beer and prepare for a Budweiser Gueiser!
Niles: You know, Frasier, if you're serious about that whoppee
coushin, I happen to have one at the house. [they all stare
at him] Last year a disgruntled servant left one on Maris'
dining room chair. Fortunately, for all of us, embarassment
was averted when my little fawn proved too light to activate
it.
[The rest mull over this idea as the scene fades out]
Leapin' Lizards
[Scene Two - Radio Station.
Bulldog is doing his show as Frasier and Roz look in from the window]
Bulldog: Well, it's six thirty, sports fan. That means it's time for:
[cues fanfare music] Our big Sea Hawks tickets give-a-way.
Yes, my curvaceous and vodacious assistant Darleen is
rolling in our glittery giant prize draw right now.
[Bulldog's assistant Pete enters with a cardboard box labled
"Bulldog's Box - Don't Touch!".]
Bulldog: Okay, Darleen, give it a good crank! Wow, honey, I meant the
drum! [cues a cranking noise]
Frasier: [watching on] Here it comes, Roz, the hilarity ensues!
Roz: Okay, explain this to me one more time. You were the one
who's trying to prove to everyone you're so funny, so why am
I the one who had to put the lizard in the box?!
Frasier: It was just as difficult to be the look out! Now, stop
whining!
[Kate enters Bulldog's booth]
Bulldog: Hey, look who's here. It's our new boss lady, KACL's own
Kate Costas!
Roz: Kate's there? Oh, Frasier, Kate's there!
Frasier: No, no, it's even better. Even better that she will be an
eye-witness to my little jape!
Bulldog: Come in, Kate. Yeah, here we go, glad you dropped in.
Kate: Hello, Bulldog. Hi, Darlene. [waves to Pete] Wow, look at
that mighty drum!
Bulldog: Yeah, give it a good spin! [cues noise] Look at those cards
going round and round. Okay, Seattle... and the winner is...
[Bulldog is about to pick one out]
Bulldog: Hey, Kate, why don't you pick it?
Kate: Okay, and the lucky winner is...
[Kate puts her hand in the box and lets off a scream as the box falls
to the floor]
Kate: Something bit me!
Bulldog: Oh, my God! It's a lizard! [stands on console]
Kate: There it goes! There it goes! There it goes!
[The lizard scurries down the hallway]
Kate: Stop that lizard, it has my finger!
[Frasier ducks so not to be caught]
[Scene Three - Hospital.
Everyone is laughing and joking in the waiting room as Frasier hovers
around the corner]
Frasier: Roz! Any news?
Roz: Yeah, they sowed her finger tip back on. She's gonna be
fine. Frasier, would you wipe that guilty look off your
face, no-one even suspects you.
Frasier: Why not?
Roz: Because you made such a big deal about how playing pranks
was beneath you!
Frasier: Oh, they're not only beneath me, they're beyond me. I'm
going to accept my limitations, be satisfied to merely be
witty and urbane. Even my most barbed comments never drew
blood! Oh, God, I feel sick.
Roz: You do? When the lizard dropped the finger tip, who had to
pack it in frozen yoghurt and rush it down here?!
Frasier: I'm going to tell her the truth.
Roz: What?! Are you insane?
Frasier: I've got to confirm myself.
Roz: Frasier, you didn't start this. You are the victim here, why
should you have to suffer any more than you all ready have?
Frasier: [realising] I'll keep your name out of it!
Roz: Fine, do what you want.
[Frasier enters Kate's room to find her on her mobile phone. A nurse
is by her side]
Kate: [into phone:] I don't know when I'll be back in the office,
Susan, just cancel all my appointments. Is there any word on
who pulled this stupid stunt? I don't want excuses, I want
names! [hangs up] Will you hurry up that shot, I'm in agony
here. [the nurse prepares to inject her]
Frasier: Kate, I see that you're strength is back. I brought you some
flowers. [hands them over]
Kate: What kind of raving psychotic would do a thing like this?
Frasier: You know, people use that word psychotic an awful lot these
days. A kid steals a candy bar, suddenly he's a psychotic.
Kate: I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna crush him!
Frasier: [to nurse] Are you sure that's enough? Make sure that all
goes in!
Nurse: Call me if you need anything.
[The nurse exits]
Frasier: Well, Kate, I came here for a reason.
Kate: Oh, let me guess, someone park in your space?!
Frasier: No, but if someone had, I would have forgiven him, just as
I'm sure you will forgive...
Kate: Who?
Frasier: Well, I'm sure the poor misguided prankster that perpitrated
this evil deed really had no ill will in mind it wasn't
his... or her... [realises he can still weave his way out]
You know! That Nanette from pet chat, she's a real axe to
grind!
[Kate lets out a short laugh]
Frasier: What?
Kate: What?
Frasier: You giggled.
Kate: Oh, [laughs] it was kinda funny.
Frasier: What?
Kate: What?
Frasier: What's funny?
Kate: Oh, I was just remembering...
Frasier: What?
Kate: [laughs]
Frasier: Oh, oh, the shot's kicking in isn't it.
Kate: Wouldn't you know, it bites my middle finger. How am I
supposed to drive? [laughs]
Frasier: [laughs] You know, Kate, maybe now would be a good time...
Kate: Now, you know, life is so funny. One minute, you're standing
in a hallway, the next minute, you're a poo-poo platter for
a lizard. That's a funny word isn't it? Hallway!
Frasier: You want to hear something really funny?
Kate: And Bulldog, Bulldog's... [laughing, then:] Oh, see, now,
you're starting to get tired, I should go.
Frasier: Kate, Kate, before you go to sleep, there's just one last
funny thing I want to tell you.
Kate: [doped up] O-kay!
Frasier: I put the lizard in the box.
Kate: O-kay.
[Frasier walks away as she falls to sleep. However before he gets to
the door, Kate slowly presses the "head up" button on the bed which
raises her.]
Frasier: Oh, God! It's alive!
Kate: [half asleep] You what?
Frasier: Well, I, it was meant for Bulldog. It was all an accident, I
never intended to...
[She falls dead asleep]
Frasier: Kate? Kate?
[Frasier decides he should leave her. We see a close up of him
leaving the bed. Kate's hand jumps out and holds him back as Frasier
screams a "NO!!!" which can be heard from the waiting room]
Credits:
[Daphne and Martin are sat looking innocently suspicious on the
chair. They watch Frasier as he pours his sherry and he wonders what
is a matter with them. He goes to the side, takes a book off the side
and sits down. As he sits, Daphne and Martin burst out laughing. It
seems they put a Whoppee coushin under his seat. Frasier takes the
coushin out from under him and throws it over to them.]
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
