Where There's Smoke There's Fired Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by Philip
Charles MacKenzie
=====================================================================
Production Code: 3.21.
Original Airdate on NBC: 30th April 1996
Transcript written on 17th October 1999
Transcript revised on 11th August 2000
Transcript {nick hartley}
[Act One.]
[Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Martin is reading the newspaper as Daphne is wandering about the
living room when the doorbell sounds. She shouts "coming" then opens
the door to find Niles on his mobile phone. She then goes back to the
table to clip coupons.]
Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane.
Niles: [into phone:] My God, after all our years together - all the
good times - all the bad times. You can't loan me a meager
four thousand dollars? You must appreciate how hard it is
for me to approach you about this. I thought I meant more to
you than this, but apparently I don't. [hangs up] They call
themselves the friendly bank!
Martin: What do you need to borrow money for?
Niles: I saw the most exquisite Biedermeier footstool.
Martin: For four thousand bucks? Niles, your mother and I didn't pay
that much for our first house.
Niles: I know dad, I lived there.
Martin: Well, I keep telling you, you don't have Maris' money to
throw around anymore. You're going to have to start cutting
back a little.
Niles: I have cut back. Last month I told my masseur I could only
see him once a week.
Martin: [sarcastic:] Oh, I remember that scene in "Grapes Of Wrath"
when Ma Joad did that.
Daphne: You know, if you need to save a bit, you should do what I do
and cut out coupons.
Niles: [interested:] Coupons. Well what a wonderful way to
economize. [picks up a sheet] Well, I could clip them and
give them to my personal shopper.
Frasier: [enters from room] Oh, Niles, good morning.
Niles: Hey.
Frasier: Daphne, has Bebe Glazer called back yet?
Daphne: 'fraid not.
Niles: You're still consorting with that barracuda?
Frasier: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. It's
just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might
have some scuttlebutt on the new owner.
[The doorbell sounds.]
Frasier: I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
Niles: Oh, really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor
and chanted "I summon thee" three times.
Frasier: [opens door:] Hello Roz.
Roz: [steps in] Hey.
[They all shout their greetings.]
Frasier: What have you got on the new owner?
Roz: Oh, plenty.
Frasier: Yeah?
Roz: His name is Wilfred S. Boone, but he likes to be called Big
Willy.
Daphne: Well there's a little snapshot of his psyche right there.
Roz: He's an eighty five year old Texan. Practically no formal
education but he went from errand boy at a radio station to
owning his own media empire worth six hundred million.
Niles: [distracted by coupon:] This is great, I don't even know
what "Renuzit" is, but it's twenty cents off and I want it.
Roz: You're clipping coupons?
Niles: [proudly] I'm economizing.
Roz: Oh well it's about time, you spend money like a drunken
sailor.
Niles: She said authoritatively.
Frasier: Excuse me, could we get back to the subject at hand, please?
[Frasier begins looking through papers.]
Martin: What are you so antsy about?
Frasier: Dad, Wilfred S. Boone.
Roz: [correcting:] Big Willy.
Frasier: Please, Roz, I just can't say that yet, alright? Wilfred S.
Boone owns thirty radio stations across the country. If he
likes you he's been known to syndicate your show nationwide.
So, I'm trying to find out if we have anything in common, an
angle or two, if you will, so what are his interests Roz?
Roz: Well, it's all in there. He likes whittling, rodeos, the
novels of "Zane Grey".
Martin: [sarcastic:] Gee, Fras'. It's like you two were separated at
birth.
Roz: He also owns a 5,000 acre cattle ranch and the world's
largest collection of antique six shooters.
Frasier: Oh dear God, I'm sucking up to Yosemite Sam!
[Scene Two - Radio Station.
Roz and Frasier are walking along the corridors towards the recording
booth.]
Roz: I think if we really want to impress Big Willy we should
think of some Western theme to do for the show today.
Frasier: Great idea, Roz. [sarcastic:] Why don't we just start the
show off with a segment on how to get in touch with your
inner young'un.
[Frasier and Roz bump into Bulldog who is listening to Gil's show
through the door.]
Gil: [in booth] What a fascinating theory! Do go on.
Frasier: What's going on?
Bulldog: Oh, this is great. I told Gil the new station owner is
a Greek tycoon.
Frasier: He fell for that?
Bulldog: Hook, line, and souvlaki!
[Meanwhile, Gil does his show:]
Gil: You can keep your overripe Camembert and malodorous Stilton,
they can't compare with the salty insouciance of Greece's
glorious Feta. It's not just for shepherds anymore! This is Gil
Chesterton saying Bon Appetite, or as we say in Athens, Kali
Orexi! [presses button]
[Bulldog falls into the booth laughing as Frasier explains.]
Frasier: Oh Gil, you've been had. The station owner isn't Greek, he's
from Texas.
Bulldog: [to Gil] You are so easy!
Gil: Well, I hope you're happy. I've just given four stars to a
restaurant called "The Taste Of Greece". Which trust me, is
no misnomer.
Bulldog: Well that's what you deserve, trying to suck up to some
senile old coot!
[The senile old coot approaches the booth and hears him without
Bulldog noticing.]
Bulldog: Hell, he probably can't eat anything but strained peas and
farina! [laughs]
Frasier: [stopping him:] Uh, Mr Boone?
Boone: [strong Texean accent:] Yeah, that's right.
Frasier: Pleasure to see you. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. This is Roz
Doyle, Gil Chesterton and... [points at Bulldog]
Bulldog: [covering up:] I'm Skippy the lunch boy. So, uh, that's two
strained peas and a farina for the big guy. [exits]
Gil: Oh, uh, Skippy? Change my order! I've got a sudden hankering
for baby-back ribs and corn bread. [exits after him]
Boone: Oh, I've been looking for you Dr. Crane. I have a little
problem and they told me, you're just the fella' who could
fix it. Oh, I hope I'm not imposing.
Frasier: Oh, no, don't be silly Mr. Boone.
Boone: Well, actually, I prefer "Big Willy".
Frasier: Don't be silly, Big Willy. [Roz and Frasier keep in their
laughter]
Boone: You see, I'm engaged to be married.
Frasier: Oh, congratulations.
Boone: Well, sweet young thing. Just nuts about me. Problem is, she
smokes.
Frasier: Oh lord, that is a very bad habit.
Boone: Oh, it's a vile habit! Would have destroyed my affection for
her if, well she didn't possess certain compensating gifts.
Anyway, as a favour to me, could you help her?
Frasier: Well, I'll certainly try. Just keep in mind, though,
addiction is fraught with many complex issues. Length of
habit, motivation...
Boone: Forgive me, sometimes I don't express myself too clearly.
When I say could you help her, what I meant to say was
[definite:] HELP HER!
Frasier: Consider it done.
Boone: Much obliged. She'll be in touch. [exits]
Frasier: That's me, Dr. Frasier Crane, bimbo wrangler.
Roz: Frasier, stop it! This is a golden opportunity! You make
this little tootsie quit smoking and we're halfway to
syndication.
Bebe: [enters booth:] Did someone just say the word, syndication,
or do I just hear it every time I lay eyes on my favorite
client.
Frasier: Oh, Bebe. [mumbles]
Bebe: Is something wrong, dear?
Frasier: Well, yes.
Roz: We just met Big Willy...
Frasier: Oh, he thinks I'm some sort of a magician. He wants me to
play therapist to his little fianceé. No doubt some gold
digging pirahna so devoid of scruples that she's willing to
rob the coffin and...
[Frasier notices that Bebe and Big Willy and now exchanging kisses
through the glass partition.]
Frasier: Oh dear God!
Bebe: Isn't it wonderful? We met last month and it was love at
first sight.
Roz: First sight of what? His bankbook and a cardiogram. Two
minutes. [exits to booth]
Bebe: I'm hurt that she can even joke about such a thing. I
love that dear sweet old man with every fibre of my being.
[lights a cigarette]
Frasier: [sarcastic:] I'm sure you do. I'm afraid there won't even be
a wedding if you can't get rid of that rotten habit, and
he's just ordered me to see that you do!
Bebe: God, you'd think a touch of emphysema were the end of
the world!
Boone: [enters] What's that in your hand, woman?
Bebe: Sorry, pud'n. Bebe slipped.
Frasier: Just that all important last puff. [stubbs it out for her]
Boone: Well see that it is! Well, Dr. Crane, I'm heading out of
town for three days. When I get back on Sunday, I expect my
little gal here to be smoke free by then.
Frasier: [worried] In three days?
Boone: Now, you do whatever it takes to help her, doc! Drugs,
straight jackets, electro shock...
Bebe: You see how he dotes on me.
[Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Bebe is laying on the couch as Frasier wanders around the room
creating a stereotypical psychiatrist scene.]
Frasier: Excellent progress, Bebe! You've really dived into the
emotional void that is the route of your addiction. Your
fear of abandonment, your fear of those you trust will
suddenly turn their backs when you expect them to...
[doorbell sounds] Excuse me.
Bebe: My God, it all seems so clear now. You're a miracle worker.
Frasier: If I had a dime for every time... well...[opens door] Niles!
Niles: Hello Frasier, I noticed you were out of capers the other
night so I got you this.
[Niles takes a massive jar of capers out of his bag. Frasier holds
it.]
Frasier: Thank you Niles, but why so many?
Niles: I just discovered a place called "Price Buster's Warehouse".
You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary
and they have a huge selection. I found french fries and
french doors in the same aisle.
Frasier: Well, the next time you go back be sure to buy me a thousand
swordfish so I can use these up!
Niles: You laugh, but I could do it like that. [clicks fingers] So,
how goes the great smoke-out?
Bebe: Until today, I had no idea what a brilliant therapist your
brother is. He has tunneled his way into the very depths of
my psyche.
Niles: Well, let's hope he sent a canary down first.
Bebe: Well, I'll be running along. [to Frasier] I'll see you at
ten tomorrow, and in the mean time, it's exercise, lots of
fresh spring water and nicotine gum for cravings.
Frasier: That's my girl.
Niles: Oh, Bebe, you know I'm writing a paper on addiction and I'd
love to ask you some questions unless there's some reason
you're eager to be off?
Bebe: [covering up:] Me? No. No, not at all.
Niles: Well, I just need to discuss a personal matter with Frasier,
first.
Bebe: Of course, I'll give you some privacy. Time for my water
anyway. [exits to kitchen]
Frasier: Yes Niles?
Niles: Let her out that door, she'll smoke half a pack before the
elevator hits the lobby.
Frasier: How do you know that? You hardly spoke to her.
Niles: Well, obviously you didn't see the crazed cunning glint in
her eyes.
Frasier: She always looks like that, she's an agent.
Niles: I know about addiction. It was the exact same look Maris
used to get during the cough syrup years. The only way to
deal with it is to lock her up, take her money and watch her
like a hawk until it's out of her system.
Frasier: That means she would have to stay here for the weekend.
[Daphne and Martin have entered and they have heard Frasier's last
sentence.]
Daphne: Who's staying all weekend?
Niles: Bebe Glazer.
Martin: [worried:] Here?
Daphne: [worried:] What does she have to stay here for?
Frasier: She's trying to quit smoking.
Martin: [sarcastic:] Oh great, that means she'll be extra loveable.
Frasier: Not to worry dad, there is no reason she has to stay for the
weekend. Bebe and I made a real breakthrough today. If
you don't believe me, just come on into the kitchen and
you'll see that I'm right.
[Meanwhile Bebe is smoking in the kitchen. When she hears the
previous she stubbs it out and puts it in her handbag.]
Bebe: I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with your paper, Niles,
wedding preperations and all. But I'll remember those helpful
hints. Exercise, gum, and lots of water.
[Bebe turns round and we see that blue smoke is being perimitted from
her handbag.]
Niles: Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse
fires. [Bebe begins to whack her bag]
Frasier: All right Niles, secure the door! Bebe, you are not going
anywhere, you're staying for the weekend. Now give me that
purse.
Bebe: All right. Let me remove one very precious momento.
Frasier: Very well.
[She presses the bag to her face and desperately sucks up smoke.]
Frasier: Oh, stop it!
[End Of Act One. (Time: 10:10)]
[Act Two.]
[Scene One - Frasier's Apartment.
Niles, Frasier, Martin and Daphne are crowded around the dinner table
as Bebe eats like a scavenger.]
Bebe: More!
Daphne: What again?
Martin: That's her third serving.
Frasier: Now, now dad, it's flattering to Daphne that Bebe finds her
food so tasty.
Bebe: I'm orally fixated. I could eat a half-sub wharf rat if you
put some gravy on it!
Daphne: I'll bear that in mind come breakfast time.
Frasier: No, please, please. Let's all try to remain supportive of
Bebe. I think she's really doing rather well.
Niles: So, I hear your fiancee is well to do?
Bebe: Very. [to Martin:] You gonna eat that fat? [takes it from
him]
Niles: Well, marrying money can have it's perils. Ten or fifteen
years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle
now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast
aside a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.
Frasier: Niles, Big Willy's eighty-five, he's on his third pacemaker.
Niles: Ah! Mazel tov!
Martin: [to Bebe] Just out of curiosity, had this guy ever seen you
eat?
Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as
I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier: This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those
moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe: [sarcastic:] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier: No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not
alone. Dad is an ex-smoker, dad can you tell us about when
you crave a cigarette most?
Martin: Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a water glass full
of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I
couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a
cigarette. Of course, gives you a hell of a headache in the
morning.
Daphne: Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To
this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in
a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe: You know there's a word for people who can do that... what
is it? Oh yes; bitch!
Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because you're
wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe: It isn't disgusting, it's wonderful!
Frasier: Now, Bebe, tell me, what is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe: Everything. [with actions:] I like the way a fresh firm pack
feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of
cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like
coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place
and bringing it slowly up to my lips. [getting more erotic:]
Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little
flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me.
[laughs] I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs.
Little fingers of smoking filling me, carrasing me, feeling
that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm
going to burst then... [immitates the noise of smoke
flooding out of her] ...watching it flow out of me in a
lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same.
[By this time she's caused the rest to go into a daydream at this
"erotic" story. After some time Daphne breaks the silence.]
Daphne: More potatoes anyone?
[No sooner has she put them on the table does everybody leap at them
quickly putting as many as they can on their plates.]
[Scene Two - Frasier's Apartment.
It is half past five in the morning when Bebe is fast asleep on the
couch. Daphne, in her dressing gown, slowly creeps into the room. She
has a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She slowly opens the balcony
door so as not to awake Bebe. She stays fast asleep as Daphne puts
the cigarette to her lips. However, the small sound of the burning
match wakes Bebe up in an instant. The sound is precious to her so
she goes over to the smoking Daphne.]
Bebe: You're up early, Miss. Moon!
Daphne: [nervous:] God, you startled me. Ha-he, ever since your
little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think
about anything else. Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.
Bebe: Silence has its price, dear. And I think we both know what
that is.
Daphne: Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.
Bebe: [sarcastic:] Oh, can't I?
[Bebe slams the balcony door shut, locking Daphne out.]
Daphne: You open up right now.
Bebe: All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those
cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me,
capiche?
Daphne: No!
[Daphne runs to the over door but it is already locked.]
Bebe: [getting to her:] Oh, is it cold outside?
Daphne: All right, you asked for it!
[Daphne takes the packet and holds it over the balcony.]
Bebe: No! No! Please, I beg you.
Daphne: Oh, oh no. My fingers are getting weak. Oh, I'm losing my
grip.
Bebe: Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want. [quickly:]
I'll make you a star! [opens door]
Frasier: [enters] What the hell's going on out here?
Bebe: Daphne was smoking!
Daphne: She made me!
Frasier: Daphne, gimme those.
Daphne: [enters] Oh, look at me, I'm all damp and chilled to the
bone.
Frasier: I'll get you a towel. My God it's five thirty in the
morning!
[Frasier opens the powder room door where we see Martin having a
cigarette. He quickly stubs it out and walks out with his glass of
bourbon.]
Frasier: Dad!
Martin: I couldn't sleep.
Frasier: Have you people all lost your minds? Now listen, get back to
bed, everyone of you!
Bebe: Thank god you came in when you did, she was praying on my
weakness. Who knows what I might have done, probably...
THIS!
[Bebe snatches the pack and makes a run for it.]
Frasier: Oh, get her! Stop that woman!
[Martin blocks Bebe. Daphne gets in her way and Bebe throws her onto
the couch.]
Frasier: Bebe, you will not be allowed to smoke a cigarette in this
house!
[Frasier corners her and wrestles the pack away.]
Frasier: All right, that's it! Back to bed!
[However, Bebe doesn't stop there. She jumps onto Frasier's back and
stays there trying to reach the packet he is holding in his hand.]
Frasier: Oh my God, you're insane, woman!
[They fall to the floor, wrestling.]
Martin: That's it, no more house guests.
[Martin exits to his bedroom. Frasier pins Bebe to the floor, with
the pack trapped underneath her.]
Bebe: Get off me, you brute!
Frasier: Hand them over!
Bebe: Never!
[Frasier pushes Bebe to the ground and lays on her as the phone
sounds.]
Daphne: That'll be the neighbours! [answers:] Hello? Oh, hello, one
moment please. [to Frasier:] It's Big Willy!
Frasier: [takes phone and nicely as Bebe struggles:] Big Willy,
hello! No, no, it's not too early, everybody's up! [Bebe
snarls] Well, you know, there have been a few minor
setbacks, but I'm keeping on top of her, yeah. [Bebe snarls
again] Oh yeah, I know she'd love to say hi, hang on.
Bebe: [quickly changed into a sweet Texan into phone:] Hello
pudd'n. I'm fine, and you? Oh, nothing's too much trouble
for you daddy, bye now.
Frasier: [takes phone:] Yes, sir. Oh, oh, really? No, no, I'm very
flattered. Yes, of course, I'd love to, I'll talk to you
this evening, bye bye. [hands phone to Daphne] Thank you,
Daphne. All right, now listen up!. He thinks I'm very
gifted.
Bebe: Mm.
Frasier: He thinks I'm wasting my talents in just one city! My God,
he wants to take me national, don't you get it?! Unless you
ruin it for me.
Bebe: [crys] Oh my God, I'm sorry. Here, take 'em. [hands over
packet] I don't know what came over me.
Frasier: Well, don't be too hard on yourself Bebe, after all,
addiction to Nicotine is a very very difficult... hey wait a
minute. This pack is half empty.
[Bebe runs out onto the balcony with half a dozen cigarettes, puts
one in her mouth, and pats her pockets for a light.]
Frasier: For God's sake, I don't care anymore! You know, I can't
help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us?
Here, [tosses her a lighter] go ahead, knock yourself out.
[Bebe begins to light cigarette]. I only wish I could be
there when it happens.
Bebe: When what happens?
Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline, "Big Willy Boone,
Millionaire, Dead." [Bebe grins; she can see it] Oh, how I
wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the
news, watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only,
you won't be watching that, oh no no, you'll be watching the
widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps, or better yet, Kelli with an
"I"!.
Bebe: Stop it!
Frasier: You'll picture her wearing your jewels, sailing in your
yachts, sleeping with your jigolos, but oh you won't be sad,
no, no, no, because you'll have your cigarette. Yeah!
Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling
about your once pretty now creased, leathery, smoke-
ravaged...
Bebe: Enough! [hands over cigarettes] You are one hell of a
therapist!
[Scene Three - Frasier's Apartment.
Bebe is dressed in her wedding gown on the balcony. She has her back
turned away from us and her veil is covering her face. Roz and
Frasier are looking glum on the couch as Martin enters.]
Martin: Hey, you back from the wedding already?
Frasier: There was no wedding.
Roz: No wedding, no syndication deal...
Martin: [notices Bebe:] What's she doing here?
Roz: No money, no fame.
Frasier: Well, you might say things hit a bit of a snag.
Roz: No beach house, no pool boy...
Frasier: Oh will you get a grip, Roz?
Martin: Well, what went wrong?
Frasier: Well, they were halfway down the aisle. Big Willy beaming
proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm.
When suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped
against Bebe's shoulder. Of course we were all concerned at
first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right
because they kept moving on down the aisle. But if you
looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging
through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight
between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. Well, once
they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up,
despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by
twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck. You know,
I've never seen a woman more crushed.
Martin: Well, if I were you I'd get her away from that balcony rail.
The doorman gets ticked if you even through a piece of gum
over the side.
Frasier: [opening balcony door:] Bebe dear, please. Come on in. [she
does] There's a girl. All right, let me have a look at ya'.
Come on, here we are.
[Frasier lifts the headress to reveal Bebe with a cigarette clenched
between her teeth.]
Frasier: Well, I don't really blame you dear, you know Roz and I are
both upset too. You know, look at it this way: at least
you're no worse off than you were before.
Bebe: You don't know the things I did for that man. The depraved,
Western-themed appetites I satisfied!
Roz: He was eighty five, how bad could it have been?
Bebe: Ever worn a saddle?
Roz: Do I have to answer that?
Frasier: Well, you know, Bebe, there are other Big Willys out there,
better ones, richer, older, impotent.
Bebe: Oh dear, you always know what to say. I know what hell I put
you through over this. I insist that you take this small
token of my gratitude. [hands over something]
Frasier: Oh Bebe really... [notices it:] look Roz, it's a gold Rolex,
oh my goodness. Bebe, where did you get this?
Bebe: Just don't wear it to the funeral.
[End Of Act Two. (Time: 21:05)]
Credits:
[Gil is in the radio booth doing his show, wearing a cowboy hat,
Texan tie and eating corn bread. A man enters and tells him the news,
he quickly throws off his hat in delight and spits out the remaining
Texan delights in his mouth.]
Thanks To...
Transcript written by Nicholas Hartley.
Transcript revised by Mike Lee.
Edited by Nicholas Hartley.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by "The Frasier Files".
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of
Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
