Shrink Rap Written by Christopher Lloyd
Directed by
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Production Code: 3.2
Episode Number In Production Order:
Original Airdate on NBC:
Episode filmed on
Transcript written on 30th June 2000
Transcript {nicholas hartley}
[Act One]
[Scene One - Therapist's Office.
Niles seems to be in therapy with Dr. Schachter as he pours his heart
out]
Niles: [on the verge of tears] You try and try, but at some point
you finally have to admit. As much as you care about each
other, your relationship isn't working and hasn't been for
some time.
Schachter: But you two wouldn't be sitting here with me if you didn't
want to save this relationship. Isn't that true?
Niles: Well, I'm willing to try, I can't speak for...
[The camera pans across to reveal not Maris but Frasier]
Frasier: ...You don't have to speak for me, Niles! I'm perfectly
capable of speaking for myself.
Niles: Yes, I know that. Caruso wasn't so in love with the sound of
his own voice!
Frasier: What is that supposed to mean?
Niles: Well, you tell me, Enrico! What do you think it means?
[The two start arguing until the therapist interviens]
Schachter: Now, are we agreed that we want to do something to fix
this problem?
[The two begin to speak out and argue, the therapist stops them
again]
Schachter: Quiet. All right, why don't one of you tell me how this
started.
Frasier: Well, it began with me. Last week, I was at week doing my
radio show. I was on the air with a troubled young woman.
She had just started telling me about a recurring dream
she had since childhood.
[Scene Two - Radio Station.
Frasier flashes back to his show.]
Jill: [v.o] Okay, I'm in my bedroom, I'd just gotten out of the
bath tub to get dressed. When I opened the closet, all my
clothes are gone. Suddenly, I hear the sound of footsteps on
the drive outside. I turn and there is a little girl with
her nose pressed up against the window.
Frasier: That is amazing!
[Meanwhile, Roz notices the time]
Jill: [v.o] But her breath is clogging up the glass so that I can't
make out her face. Only, I'm sure she's come to tell me
something important.
[Roz tries to get Frasier's attention about the show coming to the
close but he fails to notice her]
Frasier: So, a girl on the other side of a glass with an urgent
message.
[Roz now gets on the side and franticaly bangs on the window telling
him the time is up but he still doesn't realise]
Frasier: And for some reason you're unwilling or able to receive it.
Roz: [switches on her microphone] I'm sorry, Dr. Crane, I hate to
interrupt but you're all out of time for today.
Frasier: Oh, dear, um, listen, Jill. I'm terribly sorry but, listen,
[Bulldog enters looking annoyed at his delay] I'd like to
continue talking to you when we're off the air so please
don't hang up. In the meantime, listeners, I've enjoyed our
time today. Tune in again tomorrow when we'll be talking
with...
Bulldog: [into microphone] Blah, blah, "Frasier Crane Show", happy
health, good bye!
[Bulldog presses a button, pushes Frasier to the wall in his chair,
yanking of his headphones as he does so. Frasier walks out of the
booth as Bulldog begins his show]
Bulldog: Yo', Jill. You a football fan?
Jill: [v.o] Not really.
Bulldog: Beat it! [presses button] All right, this is Bulldog, ready
to go!
[Frasier enters Roz's booth where Bulldog's producer is working.
Frasier chats to Roz who is sorting the tapes]
Frasier: I hate this job, not only do I have to put up with that
annoying little sweat-sock! But when a caller comes in who
has a truly fascinating problem, I'm barely even to scratch
the surface, it makes me want to run screaming back to
private practice!
Roz: I can imagine how frustrated you must be. This show's gotta
be constraining for a man of your staggering intellect.
[gives him a smile of awe]
Niles: [v.o - stopping the flashback] Hold it, stop, wait a minute!
[Scene Three - Therapist's Office.
Niles brings them back to reality]
Niles: You expect us to believe that Roz actually used a phrase
like "staggering intellect"?
Frasier: It was something like that.
Niles: So, she might have said your "boundless brilliance", say
"the Olympian reaches of your wisdom".
Frasier: Oh, Niles, do shut up.
Niles: Oh, you shut up.
[They carry on arguing for a while]
[Scene Four - Therapist's Office.
We go back to where we left off as the therapist once again calms
them]
Schachter: It is not important exactly what was said.
Niles: No, what is important is that he assumes it revolves
around him. When the truth is it started several days
before that with me.
[Scene Five - Niles' Office.
Niles flashbacks and narrates the scene. Niles is comforting an
elderly patient]
Niles: [v.o] I'd been having some trouble with the psychiatrist in
the office next door. His unconvientional therapy had started
to intrude upon my sessions.
Niles: [going to patient] Mrs. Kelly, the key here is that you trust
me. So long as you're in this office you have no reason to
feel anything but safe.
[A scream is heard from next door which scares Mrs. Kelly]
Niles: Just, please, think of this as your refuge, your sanctuary.
[Another scream bellows in]
Niles: I'm not saying that being a sole survivor of a plane crash
wasn't a traumatising experience for you. But, I can get you
to a point where the memories no longer haunt you.
[Yet another scream is heard]
Niles: [v.o] His primal scream madness was ruining my practice, I had
to do something. The opportunity presented itself that Friday.
[Scene Six - Frasier's Apartment.
Niles carries on with his narration over this scene. Niles is going
to take some sherry as Daphne folds some clothes. Martin is sat in
his chair with Frasier on the sofa]
Niles: [v.o] I'd come to Frasier's for dinner. I remember Daphne,
my father's health care worker, was telling the most
delightful story.
Daphne: Oh, I know what you're going though, dealing with a noisy
neighbour. Have I ever mentioned that couple that lived next
door to me in London? A married couple who made the most un-
Godly racket... in bed! The walls must have been like tissue
paper because I'd hear the whole performance every night.
Finally, I decided the only to get them to stop was to let
them hear what I'd been hearing. So, one night, I moved near
the wall and I started. [saucy - acting out sex with all the
actions, obviously Niles is startled] Oh, oooh, yes, oooh,
oooh, oh don't stop, oooh, oooh, ooh, that's the spot! Oh,
[screaming] do it again! Oh, you are the sex master. Oh, for
hell's sake, just take me, you devil spawned sex monkey.
[pushing herself against the chair letting her hair flow all
over the place] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! [then suddenly:]
Problem solved.
Niles: I'm sorry, Daphne, I drifted. Would you tell that story
again?
Frasier: [v.o] Hold it! Stop!
[Scene Seven - Therapist's Office.
Frasier stops the flashback]
Frasier: Niles, you know full well that Daphne merely told us that
story, she did not act it out.
Niles: [uncertain] Didn't she?
Frasier: No.
Niles: I'm telling the story.
Frasier: All right.
Niles: It was a few hours later...
[Scene Eight - Frasier's Apartment.
The flashback takes us to a few hours later that night when Martin,
Frasier and Niles sit down with cups]
Niles: [v.o] ...we were having espresso. Perhaps to counter-act the
stimulus effect, Frasier was telling us about his day.
Frasier: You know, I can't stop thinking about my last caller today.
Fascinating young woman and a recurring dream.
Martin: You know who's a helluva dreamer? Eddie.
[The boys give him a look]
Martin: One night I'd wake up, he's lying on my forehead, dead
asleep, with a big clump of my hair in his mouth, growlin'!
Bet you'd love to analyse that little brain of his.
Frasier: [sarcastic] Yes, that would be the jewel in the crown of my
carrear! [then:] Still, thinking about this woman, has
started me longing for private practice. I guess I just miss
the chance to dig deep with my patients.
Niles: Have you considered seeing patients on the side?
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course, I've got a list of people who've
expressed interest.
Niles: Frasier, I have a proposition. I mentioned that doctor in
the office next door. Well, his lease is up. If you were
interested in his office, as his landlord, I could tell him
and his screaming mimis to hit the road!
Frasier: You?
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Frasier: And I?
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Frasier: Working side by side?
Niles: Mmm-mmm.
Frasier: I don't mind telling you the prospect sounds... quite
exciting!
Niles: [excited] We could consult on each other's patients.
Frasier: [excited] We could give seminars together.
Niles: Even therapy groups!
Frasier: Oh, my God, "Crane & Crane", I can see our logo all ready; A
giant Crane hovering over a human head!
[Martin begins laughing at their idea]
Frasier: Dad, why are you laughing? Why is dad laughing?
Martin: You two, you'll never learn.
Niles: Oh, oh, you think this is a bad idea?
Martin: The restaurant you bought together, that was a bad idea! The
book you tried to write together, that was a bad idea!
This.... [thinks] No, that restaurant was still the dumbest
idea.
Frasier: Two little mis-adventures and you doom us to failure.
Martin: Oh, baloney, you've been like this since you were kids. You
two can't work together.
Niles: Maybe dad's right. We're not ready for this, it could lead
to conflict and tension.
Frasier: [v.o] Hold it!
[Scene Nine - Therapist's Office.
Frasier breaks the scene]
Frasier: Niles, tell the truth!
Niles: Oh, all right.
[Scene Ten - Frasier's Apartment.
We cut back to just after Martin's speech]
Niles: Stop raining on our parade, dad!
Frasier: To "Crane & Crane".
[The brother clink their espressoes together]
[End of Act One] [time: : ]
[Act Two]
Hmmm...
[Scene One - Niles' Practice.
Frasier narrates the story in flashback. Niles is getting some coffee
as Frasier enters]
Frasier: [v.o] Well, our first day together began innocently enough.
Frasier: [enters] Good morning, Dr. Crane.
Niles: And to you, Dr. Crane
Frasier: Oh, Niles, why should we be so formal, there's nobody
around.
[Frasier lifts his hand for a hi-five, Niles backs off in fear]
Frasier: It's a hi-five, Niles!
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.
[They hi-five and Niles lets out a squeal of pain]
Niles: Would you like a coffee?
Frasier: Oh, yes, please. [takes one as he inhales] Oh, Niles, I
can't tell you how much I've missed that. The smell of the
office place. Freshley oiled leather couches, the pungant
coffee, the aroma of an exotic luncheon special wafting up
from the cafeteria below.
Niles: Actually, that's the lab next door. They lost power last
night, some of their tissue samples turned. By the way, I've
put together some recent articles you may want to peruse
just to get up to speed. [shows him a select few]
Frasier: Up to speed?
Niles: Well, it has been a while since you've practised and we
could all use a little brushing up.
Frasier: Well, that's very considerate of you. Just put my homework
assignment in my box there.
Niles: As you wish. [he puts the select articles in]
[Niles then picks a small piles of books up from the desk and puts
them also in the box. Then he lifts a large stack of books for the
floor and also puts them in the box. Frasier is not amused. Daphne
enters, struggling with a large plant]
Daphne: All right, where shall we put this then?
Frasier: Well, the only place it should go, actually, is right here
by the couch, I think.
Niles: No, no, Daphne, here on the desk will pick up the earthtones
in the carpet.
Frasier: No, there's this desk space here by the coffee station.
Niles: Oh, underneath the heating vent?! Why not just give it a
blindfold and a cigarette!
Frasier: It's your office, put it where you like.
Niles: No, no, it is your plant.
Daphne: And it's my bleedin' back, so I'm putting it right here!
[Daphne puts the plant down on the coffee table]
Daphne: [aside to Frasier] Honestly, I don't know how you put up with
him [exits]
Niles: [v.o] Liar! Liar! Daphne never said that!
[Scene Two - Therapist's Office.
Niles brings the scene back]
Frasier: Well, she said it with body language.
Niles: I happen to be fluent in the that language and she said
nothing of the kind!
Schachter: Will someone tell me what's so important about this plant?
Niles: You'll know soon enough. I'm telling the rest of the
story.
[Scene Three - Niles' Practice.
We flashback to Daphne still struggeling with the plant]
Daphne: I'm putting it right here!
[Daphne puts the plant down on the coffee table and exits as Martin
enters with some plaques]
Martin: You know the best thing about getting old? Your hair may
turn grey, your joints may stiffen, you may even have to
walk with a cane. But people still ask you to help them
move!
Frasier: Forgive me for over burdening you, dad. Could you just put
those in my office, please?
[Martin angrily exits to Frasier's office as Daphne enters and
notices the sign on the door. It says "Niles Crane" and then in very
small letters underneath it says "Frasier Crane".]
Daphne: Oh, look at your two names together on the door. Er, Dr.
Crane, is your brother's name smaller than yours?
Niles: Yes, that was the only way it would fit. I assumed you
wouldn't mind after all we're concerned here with healing
people, aren't we?
Frasier: Of course, Niles. If I were interested in self promotion, I
guess I'd be content with my radio show heard every day by
over half a million listeners! The Pacific north-west and
parts of Canada!
[Niles picks up the plant]
Frasier: What are you doing?
Niles: I'm moving the Chepalire.
Frasier: I like it where it was.
Niles: Yes, but it didn't like it there. It wants light.
Daphne: You two tend to your plant, I'll go fetch the file cabinet!
[exits]
Frasier: I have had this plant for two years and it has never been in
direct sunlight.
Niles: Well, obviously, look at it, the leaves are puckering!
Frasier: They are not, they've wilted a little from the ride over in
the trunk of the car.
Niles: Oh, nonsense, Mafia snitches emerge from car trunks looking
more robust!
Frasier: This plant is going right over....
[Martin enters in the middle of their arguments]
Martin: And so it begins! [laughs and exits]
Niles: [v.o] Of course, the incident with the plant was only the
beginning.
[Scene Four - Therapist's Office.
Niles tells the story]
Niles: That was followed by a run in at the receptionist's desk, a
row at the coffee machine and a contra ton when Frasier lost
the men room's key.
Frasier: That was an accident.
Niles: Yes, it very nearly was.
Frasier: I am so tired of your exaggeration, you always make things
fifteen thousand times worse than they are! I'm going to
tell the story from now on!
[Scene Five - Niles' Office.
Frasier narrates over the scene. Frasier and Niles are stood amongst
a therapy group]
Frasier: [v.o] The point is, our nerves were, well, pretty much
shocked by the time we'd conducted our first therapy group
together.
Niles: First off, I have a collegue to introduce, he is not only an
esteemed psychiatrist, he happens to be my brother, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
Frasier: Afternoon.
Kedlish: Wow, you're Dr. Crane from the radio.
Frasier: Guilty as charged.
Niles: Yes, but we all have to remind Dr. Crane that this is real
psychiatry now, not the radio. No hanging up on the hard
ones here!
Frasier: But rest assured I am trained to deal with a full range of
issues. Everything from envy to jealousy! But, I'll just be
observing today, I don't know you well enough to render any
opinions yet so just pretend I'm not here.
Niles: And good luck with that. [approaches patient] Mrs. Kedlish,
perhaps you could bring us up to date on how you're dealing
with your divorce. This is week two isn't it?
Kedlish: Yes. Well, I actually had my first date last night.
Niles: That's wonderful.
Frasier: Hmmm...
Kedlish: Did you say something?
Frasier: I don't think so.
Kedlish: It sounded like "Hmmm..." like you disapproved.
Frasier: Well, since you've asked. I think in divorce we have painful
feelings, which are never the less healthy feelings. We
start to date too quickly and we want to be sure that that's
not panacia for the pain.
Niles: Oooh, yes, you'll all find my brother's quite dept with
those peppy little bromides; "panacia for the pain"! You can
almost hear the phrase: We'll be right back after these
words from "Pringles"!
Carr: You don't want to wait too long before you date though,
either. I waited five years but then I was so desperate I
stayed with the first woman who came along. She ended up
being the same controlling ice princess as my first wife.
Frasier: Hmmm...
Niles: [covering] Well, Mr. Carr...
Carr: Wait, Dr. Crane, it sounded like your brother said something
again.
Frasier: Well, since you've asked. It occurred to me that by waiting
for five and becoming, as you said, desperate. That perhaps
you were really giving yourself license to persue the woman
who reminded you of your first wife? You had to repeat the
pattern.
Carr: So, you're saying that it wasn't an accident?
Frasier: We have an expression in psychiatry; "there are no
accidents".
Niles: Now let's check in with news and traffic.
Frasier: Dr. Crane, are you denying that most accidents happen for a
reason?!
Niles: No, Dr. Crane, I believe they do. I'm reminded of a recent
accident involving a four inch wooden block attatched to a
men's room key which walked off in somebody's pocket!
Obviously an act of hostility, wouldn't ya' say?!
Frasier: Certainaly a well deserved one considering what an
insufferable prig someone has been today!
Niles: You dare call me a prig after I rescued you from that side-
show you call a radio program!
Frasier: One more crack about my show and I'll put that little wooden
block in a place you'll always be able to find it!
Niles: Group, take five minutes for quiet introspection!
[Niles and Frasier leave the office and enter the reception area]
Niles: Frasier, I have made a fist and I'm thinking of using it.
[holds it]
Frasier: You are not scaring me... the thumb goes on the outside,
Niles! On the outside!
Niles: How dare you try to steal my group!
Frasier: I don't need your group, I've got a group of my own, half a
million strong.
Niles: Oh, yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out
the body paint and call it "Frasier-stock"!
Frasier: You know, I'm just a little tired of your condescending
attitude, you have not missed one single opportunity to run
down my show or grab a book of the shelf to help me get up
to speed! My God, you're such a brigadeer, you've even taken
over the care of my Chepalire!
Niles: Well, you were starving it of sunlight!
Frasier: All right, fine, let's just give this little dear all the
sunlight it needs!
[Frasier picks it up and throws out it of the window, breaking the
glass as it goes.]
Niles: Are you insane?!
Frasier: If I were, doctor, you'd never know it!
[Niles and Frasier carry on arguing whilst Niles' group, frightened,
leave behind him]
Niles: Is that my group? Group, group, come back group. [they exit
and then:] I'm very proud of this show of independance! I
hope you're happy!
Frasier: If I were, doctor, you'd never know it!
[They carry on arguing until the therapist, Dr. Schachter arrives]
Schachter: Dr. Crane!
Niles: Hello, Dr. Schachter.
Schachter: What's going on?
Niles: I'm having a discussion with my brother.
Schachter: I can hear your discussion across the hall in my office.
Niles: Well, you see, he walzed in here like the belle of the
ball and yet...
[Frasier and Niles start arguing again]
Schachter: Now, look, you two are obviously in some distress. As you
know, I am a specialist in couples therapy. I've never
treated brother's before but still, if you step in to my
office. I'm sure I can help you.
Schachter: [v.o] Hold it! Hold it!
[Scene Six - Therapist's Office.
Dr. Schachter now breaks the story and finishes the flashback]
Schachter: I never said, "I'm sure I can help you". I said, "I may be
able to help you".
Niles: See how he twists your words!
Frasier: [dangles men's room key] Right here, buddy boy.
Schachter: Shut up! You are doctors. I've never seen anything like
this in my life. [to Niles] You think he's trying to steal
your patients and [to Frasier] you think he's trying to
undermine you as a psychiatrist but you must know what is
at the root of this problem?
Frasier:
[simultaeneously] He is!
Niles:
Schachter: No, you have a fundemental lack of trust. It may be so
deeply rooted by now that it's impossible to change but
there are certain exercises that we try provided that you
two are willing.
[They half-heartedly agree]
Schachter: Let's start with the most basic trust exercise there is.
Now, why don't you simply stand on this foot stool and
fall backwards into your brother's waiting arms thus
demonstrating that we can trust each other. [to Niles] Dr.
Crane, why don't you go first?
Niles: Well, all right.
Schachter: Just get up there, and let yourself go.
[Niles stands on the footstool as Frasier stands behind him waiting]
Niles: [starts to fall and then] Is he standing directly behind
me?
Schachter: Yes, now trust your brother.
Niles: [takes some time] I'd feel better if he were wearing
rubber soles.
Frasier: Oh, for God's sake, Niles, just get down, I'll go first.
All right?
[Frasier and Niles change places]
Frasier: [starts and then] Is he in position?
Schachter: Yes! Trust him!
Frasier: [takes some time] You should know he catches like a girl!
Schachter: I don't believe this, get down will you. It couldn't be
easier!
[Frasier and Niles are looking at each other indignantly as Schachter
goes through the motions]
Schachter: I get up here, I count to three and you catch me. One,
two, three.
[He falls backwards right onto the floor as the brothers notice him]
Frasier: Why didn't you catch him?!
Niles: Well, you were closer!
Frasier: It was your turn.
Niles: It was my turn?!
Schachter: All right, sit. In thirty years as a couples therapist,
I've never said what I'm about to say. Give up! It's
hopeless, you are pathologically mistrustful of one
another. Competitive to the point of madness! So, trust
me, just meet each other at weddings and funerals and for
the rest of the time stay the hell away from each other!
Now, I am going to limp to the nearest pub and drink until
the rest of me is as numb as my ass!
[Schachter leaves them dumbfounded]
Niles: Well, that's quite a diagnosis.
Frasier: [reads pad] Yes. But there is no denying it. We are
vindictive and competitive....
Niles: Petty, mistrustful.
Frasier: As so often in these cases it took someone outside our
situation to point it out to us.
Niles: Well, dad always said it, but he has no credentials!
Frasier: Well, there's no arguing with Dr. Schachter's credentials.
My God, the man is an expert in his field. He graduated from
the university of... [reads certificate] ...Grenada!
Niles: [shocked] Well, surely that was just his under graduate
schooling?
Frasier: Oh, yes, of course, his graduate work was done in... [reads]
...Aruba!
Niles: He had an all Caribbean school. Well, tolle me banana!
[They begin doing hula dances]
Frasier: I knew he was a fraud the minute he opened his mouth.
Niles: [laughs] Oh, I'll have him out of his lease at the end of
the week.
Frasier: Niles, we still have time to catch a late lunch!
Niles: Oh, oh, oh, "Peris" is just around the corner.
Frasier: Away we go. Oh, "Chez, Chez" is just as close.
Niles: Yes but the food at "Peris" is much better.
Frasier: Oh, Niles. [laughs] Have you lost your mind?!
[Frasier and Niles leave the office, still arguing about their choice
of restaurant]
Credits:
[In Niles' practice we see Martin exit Fraiser's office with the
plaques and exits. Then Frasier exits with his box of bits and bobs.
This all seems very light. The receptionist then watches as Daphne
struggles out with a huge filing cabinet of which she's been
lumbered. She drags the heavy object out of the reception.]
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2000 by Nick Hartley.
This episode summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright
of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.
