Look Before You Leap Written by Chuck Ranberg and
Ann-Flett Giordano
Directed by James Burrows
=====================================================================
Production Code: 3.16.
Original Airdate on NBC: 02/27/96
First UK Transmission: 10/25/96
Transcript written on 28/02/99.
Quotes and Scene Summary {matthew barr}
Act One. Martin and Daphne are in Frasier's apartment. Daphne is
carrying out laundry and Martin is looking lost.
Martin: Hey, Daphne. Have you seen Eddie?
Daphne: No, I haven't.
Martin: It doesn't feel right to start the day without him licking
me awake.
Daphne: Well, don't look at me.
Daphne enters the kitchen, when the front door opens and Frasier
walks in, with Eddie on a leash.
Frasier: Morning all! Daphne, I got treats!
Martin: What the hell are you doing with him?
Frasier: We went for a walk.
Martin: I was talking to Eddie!
-- Martin 'Doolittle' Crane; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier 'unleashes' Eddie who runs over to Martin.
Frasier: I saw what a beautiful day it was today. I headed straight
for the park; of course, the only people in the park this
hour of the morning, without dogs, are winos and the guy in
the harem pants who washes his hair in the fountain. He
says 'hello', by the way.
Frasier walks out onto the balcony. Daphne returns from the
kitchen.
Daphne: It is sort of nice, isn't it?
Frasier: Sort of nice? My God, haven't you people noticed this?
It's incredible! Dad, you should feel this, it's 80 degrees
outside and it's the middle of February.
Daphne: Oh, it is beautiful. And in the middle of such a terrible
winter. I love nature's little admirations: warm days in
winter, four-leaf clovers, Australians…
Frasier: Yes, it is glorious! It defies you not to take a moment to
acknowledge the power that created it.
Martin: [sarcastically] Thank you, global warming!
-- Martin the cynic; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier and Daphne leave the balcony.
Martin: Hey, Frase; you think your guy down at the liquor store
could send a bottle of scotch to my buddy Jimmy, in Madison.
Frasier: Sure Dad, what's the occasion?
Martin: Today's his sixteenth birthday.
Frasier: Oh, then you'll want to throw in a hooker too, won't you?
Martin: Nay, you don't get it! It's February 29th.
Frasier: Mmm.
Martin: It's a leap year.
Frasier: Right.
Martin: He only gets a birthday every 4 years.
Frasier: I get it Dad.
Martin: He's really 64.
Frasier: I can do the math.
-- Grandpa can't do math in his head?; "Look Before You Leap"
Martin: He's having a big shin-dig tonight. A lot of guys from the
force fly in for it. Everybody drinks a lot of beer and
then they have a contest to see who's got the biggest scar.
You know, this year I had a real good chance of winning, now
that 'Shark Bait' O'Reilly finally died.
Daphne: So, why aren't you going?
Frasier: Yeah Dad, you should go.
Martin: Ah, Montana's too far away.
Frasier: Oh Dad, his birthday comes around every 4 years. Matter of
fact, this day only comes around once every 4 years. You
know, it's a free day, a gift. We should do something, be
bold, take a leap…
Martin: I was about to say the same thing to you.
-- Martin encourages his son; "Look Before You Leap"
Daphne: Your son's right! You shouldn't be afraid to shake up your
routine a bit.
Martin: Hey, I don't see you taking any big leaps today.
Daphne: If there was something I wanted to do, I would do.
Martin: Well, you're always whining about wanting to change your
hair.
Daphne: [whining] I don't whine!
Martin: [imitating Daphne] I'm so sick of me hair. Do you think I
should get it cut like Princess Di? Ooh, do you think
that'll make my cheeks look too fat? That reminds me of the
craziest thing my Grammy Moon used to say.
-- Rich Little, eat your heart out; "Look Before You Leap"
Martin: [normally] I'll pay for the haircut, if you stop yakking and
just do it!
Daphne: Yes, well…I'll pay for you to go to Montana [to Frasier]
That's not the one next to New Hampshire, is it?
Frasier: No. And Dad can pay for his own trip.
Daphne: All right then! And I can pay for my own hair-cut.
Frasier: Ah Dad, back in your corner, are you up to the leap-year
challenge?
Martin: Nah.
Frasier: Dad, Jimmy's already 18. How many more birthdays is he
going to have?
Martin: You know, I would kind of hate not being there when Jimmy
brings out the big ham. Ah, what the hell. I'll go. I'll
call the air-line after breakfast.
Frasier: That's the spirit!
Martin: Hey, what's your big leap-year challenge?
At this point the door-bell rings. Frasier hovers by door, ready to
answer it.
Frasier: Have you forgotten? I'm singing 'Buttons and Bows' tonight
at the PBS pledge drive.
Martin: You've sung the same stupid song for the last 3 years.
Frasier: Yes. But I'm doing something remarkably fresh and different
with it, this year.
Martin: You're just blowing it, aren't you?
Frasier: Like a '56 Rambler!
Frasier opens the door and sees Niles standing there, who walks in.
Frasier: Good morning Niles.
Niles: Good? It's glorious, heaven-sent and y'know why? Maris
called; she wants to get together with me this evening.
Frasier: Oh Niles, that's wonderful news! It's high time you and
Maris sat down and talked through your problems.
Niles: She doesn't want to talk. When she says she wants to
'Get together', she means the: 'you wear the creme fraiche,
I'll lick it off' sense. She's cleared her schedule from 7
till 7:30; that means foreplay and cuddling!
Martin: You know, Niles, remember when you were a kid and your
mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis in
front of you because we knew it would give you bad dreams.
Niles: Yes.
Martin: It's a two-way-streak.
-- It's better than dreaming about Freud; "Look Before You Leap"
Martin gets up and leaves. Daphne enters from the kitchen.
Daphne: Breakfast, Dr. Crane?
Niles: Yes, thank you Daphne.
Frasier: Niles, if you don't mind me telling you, I'm a little
concerned about this. If Maris claps her hands, you come
running.
Niles: Oh well, don't you forget there's a little something for me
in this too. Haven't had sex in 6 months.
Frasier: Oh, surely you're exaggerating; you've only been separated
for 3...
Niles: Your point would be.
-- Abstinence makes the heart grow stronger; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier: You really want to sacrifice your self-respect for a roll in
the hay?
Niles: Substitute a 16th century Guildford fainting couch for hay
and watch me roll!
-- Niles, the old romantic; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier: Niles, you and Maris have not sat down and discussed your
problems. As a psychiatrist, you know sex will only cloud
the issues.
Niles: You don't know how desperate I am. Ever since our
separation I've been paying women to touch me.
Frasier: Oh Niles.
Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a
man who's well groomed, you can bet he's not getting any.
-- A new psychological theory; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier: Well, will you at least think about what I've said.
Niles: I can't. She's leaving for Europe in the morning, so I've a
very small window of opportunity.
Frasier: Niles. You know I'm right.
Niles: You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having
any!
Frasier: [shaking finger at Niles] I most certainly am too!
Niles: Your lips say 'yes'; but your cuticles speak volumes.
-- Theory put in practice; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier sits back down, miserable.
Frasier: Niles…
Niles: Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. It's not going to be
easy though.
Frasier: Course not. Just don't think about sex.
Daphne: [shouting from kitchen] Would you like me to butter your
buns for you, Dr. Crane?
-- At least she's not using nuts or sausage; "Look Before You Leap"
Niles shakes the cup he is holding. Frasier steadies him.
Frasier: Grandma in a teddy.
Niles: [stopping] Thank you.
No, But I Hear Oleg Cassini Takes That Bus
Roz is at the radio station, in Frasier's booth, sorting tapes.
Frasier enters happily, kicking the door shut.
Frasier: [singing] …you're all mine in buttons and bows!
Roz: Oh God, it must be PBS pledge time again.
Frasier: Roz, it is a wonderful day. You know I think the entire
city of Seattle is convinced it's springtime. I was walking
down the street, I passed a pet store and, in the window, I
could see two snakes doing a mating dance.
Roz: If you ask me, celebrating a dance that brings more snakes
into the world is like toasting a law-school graduation.
-- Roz the cynic; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier: Well, I can see the unseasonable sunshine has done nothing
to improve your mood.
Roz: Well, how would you feel if you'd just lost the love of your
life?
Frasier: Alimony aside, I found it rather liberating.
Roz: My car wouldn't start, so I had to take the bus. We all
crowded on there, when suddenly I smell 'Lagerfeld' and I
look up and there he is.
Frasier: Carl Lagerfeld?
Roz: His name is Gary. I don't know his last name. Anyway, we
got to talking and, you know, we were really connecting. I
started to believe in kismet and all of a sudden, these
people wanted to get off the bus, and I'm in their way, so I
get off to let them off and before I can get back on, the
damn bus drives off. Out of my life. Forverer.
Frasier: I'm sure another one would have come along in 20 minutes or
so.
Roz: I'm talking about the guy.
Frasier: So am I!
-- Laughter is the best therapy; "Look Before You Leap"
Roz: You don't get it Frasier, I mean, I really felt this guy was
the one.
Frasier: But Roz, if you really want to try and find him again, you
know we do reach half a million listeners, why don't you
just tell your story on the air.
Roz: On the air? Oh, I couldn't do that, it would make me look
pathetic. Oh, it's too bizarre, it's too needy.
Frasier: It's 2 o'clock.
Roz rushes into her booth. Frasier sits down.
Roz: Oh my God!
Frasier: [into mike] A glorious good afternoon Seattle, this is Dr.
Frasier Crane. I've been thinking a lot today, about leap
year. Today is February 29th and although it isn't an
official holiday, perhaps it can be looked upon as one in
the metaphorical sense; just as Christmas reminds us to be
generous in spirit, so leap year reminds us to 'take a leap'
in our lives, to be bold, to try something new. Too often
we shrink from doing things we really want to, held back by,
oh, appearing foolish perhaps… Roz? (beat) Is there
anything you'd like to say before we start taking calls.
Roz: No.
Frasier: I'm reminded of a quotation by John Greenleaf Whittier:
"For all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these:
'it might have been'."…Roz (beat)
Roz: No.
Frasier: Did you know that a woman over the age of 30 has less chance
of getting married than being killed in a terrorist attack.
Roz: [into mike] This is to Gary. I was on the Number 7 bus
around noon and you were a stock-broker with a tan briefcase
and a cleft chin and the bus was really crowded and we both
reached for the hand-strap and our hands touched and we
laughed and you said I had a really great laugh and we
laughed at that.
Frasier taps at the glass to indicate time is getting on.
Roz: Anyway, you asked me if I were free on Friday, but we got
separated before I could give you my phone number, which I
would have because I really liked you and I thought you were
cute. [she looks horrified after realising what she just
said]
Frasier: So Gary, if you're listening, please, please give us a call.
We'll be right back after these words. [pushes button]
Roz: Oh my God! Oh my God! How could I say I really liked you
and I thought you were cute? Who am I? Marsha Brady?!
-- Bet she wishes she was killed by terrorists; "Look Before You Leap"
Cut to later on in the radio programme. Frasier is finishing off
the show.
Frasier: Well, we'll be right back for more calls and more on the
search for Gary after this news break [pushes button]
Niles enters, rather excitedly.
Niles: Good news, I've figured out a way we can have sex and we can
all be happy.
Frasier: As I pause to make sure the 'on-air' light is off, continue.
-- Frasier 'Uncle Don' Crane; "Look Before You Leap"
Niles: Well, I was driving down the free-way, trying not to notice
the provocative decals truckers have on their mud-flaps,
when I heard your little speech about breaking out of
familiar patterns.
Frasier: Mmm.
Niles: Well, sleeping alone has been my pattern! I'm ready to take
a leap!
Frasier: [nonchalantly] No, you're not.
Niles: Okay, not a leap, but you've got to give me something! A
hop, a bound, gimme a jump! Oh, God!
Frasier: Niles, just get a grip! If you thought that being with
Maris was the right thing to do, you would be there. You
know it's wrong; that's why you're here asking for my
permission.
Roz enters from her booth.
Niles: Frasier, Frasier; what if we don't have sex? What if we
just snuggle?
Roz: Whoops, excuse me.
Roz returns to her booth and Niles lustily follows her.
Niles: Roz, I never noticed what a perky little walk you have.
Roz runs quickly to avoid Niles. Frasier gives pursuit to Niles.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Roz.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Roz.
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Roz.
Frasier: Niles, stop! Get back here!
Frasier restrains Niles (now in Roz's booth).
Frasier: Will you stop that? Niles, get control. My God, there are
more important things here than simple, immediate physical
gratification.
Niles: You're right. I just have to marshal my self-discipline and
be strong.
Niles leaves Frasier's booth. Frasier watches him from the viewing
window, where we see him walk out of the building, then turn around
sharply to follow a woman who is walking in the opposite direction.
Frasier opens his door, waits for Niles to pass and throws a glass
of water at him. This makes him turn again, to head out of the
building. Frasier returns to his booth, as Roz enters.
Roz: 15 seconds.
Frasier: Oh.
Roz: What is wrong with your brother today?
Frasier: Oh, ignore him. You know, human nature never ceases to
amaze me; how otherwise rational people can be turned into
babbling ninnies by their hormones. [Gary walks past the
viewing window]
Roz: Oh my God! It's Gary! Oh my God! He's here!
Roz leaves to greet him. Frasier gets back to his show.
Frasier: [into mike] Well, we're back. You'll all be glad to know
that Cupid's arrow has hit its mark. Gary has just arrived
in the hallway and has a big bouquet of flowers for Roz.
You know, the truth is I'm really quite delighted with the
way things have turned out today. It inspires me to take a
little leap of my own. As many of you know, this evening,
for the third year in a row, I will be appearing on the PBS
pledge drive…
Cut to the hallway where Roz and Gary are talking.
Gary: You know, I was getting a little nervous the way you were
describing me on the air.
Roz: Why?
Gary: Well, my wife listens to the show.
Roz: You're married?!
Gary: Yeah, but it's okay. I still want to go out with you.
Roz starts to attack Gary by hitting him with his bouquet of
flowers. Cut back to Frasier's booth.
Frasier: …So, instead of 'Buttons and Bows', I have chosen to sing a
very challenging aria from Verdi's 'Rigoletto', something I
have never attempted outside the shower. I certainly hope
my little gamble turns out as well as Roz's has.
Frasier turns around to see Roz chasing Gary, hitting him with the
bouquet.
Frasier: Or even better.
-- Fools rush in; "Look Before You Leap"
End Of Act One (Time: 13:26)
Act two. Frasier is in his apartment, standing by his piano,
playing a few notes from the aria, trying to sing along, but
failing. Niles enters with a towel around his neck, drying himself.
Frasier: [referring to his singing] Oh God!
Niles: Well, perhaps they'll pledge to get you to stop singing.
Oh, and by the way, thanks for the cold shower tip.
Frasier: Did it work?
Niles: No, it did not. It's clearly an old wives tale because I'm
still thinking of my old wife's tail.
Frasier: Well, I suppose it stood to reason being showered by
coldness would bring Maris more to mind.
Niles: Keep making marks like that and I won't help you rehearse.
Frasier: I'm sorry Niles, it's just that I'm awfully nervous.
Niles: You know, as much as I admire your willingness to take a
leap, I did warn you that you were getting into a dangerous
'aria' [chuckles]. God, I'm using humour to mask sexual
frustration; it's high-school all over again.
-- Hey, I'm still living it; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier: Look Niles, I know that it's difficult but Maris has got to
learn you are not just someone who can be ordered to perform
at will. Now, sit [Niles sits]. Play [Niles plays].
-- Can he play 'The Hypocrite Song'?; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier sings the first few notes of the aria (badly), when Martin
walks through the door, slams it shut and throws his stuff on the
floor.
Martin: Next time it looks like I'm gonna follow a piece of your
advice, shoot me in the head first.
Frasier: Dad! Why aren't you in Montana?
Martin: Fifteen minutes out, a flock of Canadian geese flew into one
of our engines. They were the lucky ones.
Martin walks through into the kitchen. Frasier and Niles follow
him.
Martin: Next thing you know, we're falling five thousand feet;
smokehouse almonds are flying everywhere; people are
screaming and hugging each other. The guy in the next seat
grabbed a hold of my hand and you know what? I didn't pull
it away.
Martin gets a bear from the fridge, then returns to the front room.
Martin: Then our pilot comes out: 'Our landing gear's out. We're
gonna have to do an emergency belly landing in six feet of
foam. So, fifteen hellish minutes later we're bouncing
across the runway, then the stewardess comes out and says we
gotta go down the emergency slide. So, down I go, head-
first, into this sea of foam. Last thing I remember, this
fat lady from across the aisle comes barrelling down the
chute after me, like a polyester avalanche.
-- Martin 'Indiana Jones' Crane; "Look Before You Leap"
Frasier: My God, Dad I am so sorry.
Niles: So, these stewardesses. Were they also covered with foam?
Frasier: Will you stop it [he hits Niles]. Now Dad, if you'd like to
talk about it, we're both here for you.
Martin: Boy, I tell ya, at times like this you just…, all you can
think about is your loved ones and how you wished you'd
spent more time with them.
F&N&M: Eddie!
Martin leaves for the bedroom. Niles walks over to the piano whilst
Frasier gets a drink and sits at the table.
Niles: Well, lets get back to work. I need something to take my
mind off the fact that, at this very moment, Maris is
slipping out her frilly underthings and into a non-fat milk
bath.
-- But Maris is friendly with the Asp; "Look Before You Leap"
Niles: [to Frasier] Something wrong?
Frasier: Yes, something's wrong. Things turned out so badly for Roz
and Dad today, I'm just wondering if maybe my little leap is
ill-advised.
Niles: Oh, no.
Frasier: Maybe this aria thing won't turn out quite so well either.
Niles: Just because theirs went wrong doesn't mean yours will too.
They're two isolated incidents.
Frasier: From the top.
Niles begins playing the aria. Frasier sings the first few notes,
then Daphne walks through the door with a freaky hair-style (long,
spiky, 'chimney-brush', unkempt look), sobbing.
Niles: Oh, will these infernal temptations never end?! [bangs his
head down on the piano]
-- Good taste in music, but…; "Look Before You Leap"
Daphne walks up to Frasier.
Daphne: Is it as bad as I think it is?
Frasier: [stalling] How…bad do you…think it is?
-- A better tactician than Rommel; "Look Before You Leap"
Daphne: [sobbing] Take a leap?! Mr. Maurice hair designer! 'Trust
me', he says! Children pointing! Your fault [points at
Frasier]!
Daphne goes to her room. Niles sips his drink, then stands up.
Niles: Okay, that's it, I can't take it anymore. I'm leaving.
[gets his coat]
Frasier: No Niles, you can't leave me now. I need your help now more
than ever.
Niles: Oh, give it up! No-one who's followed your little 'take a
leap' philosophy has ended up even remotely better. I don't
care what you're saying; I'm going to Maris!
Niles sips his glass, then throws it into the fireplace with
bravado.
Frasier: You will rue the day!
Niles: I don't care! Niles gotta have it!
Niles leaves via the front door. Frasier looks forlorn.
Huh?
Final preparations are being made for the PBS pledge drive. A
panning shot shows the monitors, call takers (including Roz),
builders and Frasier putting a piece of sheet music on a piano. The
pianist walks up to him.
Frasier: Oh, Pete.
Pete: Hi Doc, I hear you're doing something new this year.
Pete sits down at the piano and reads the music put there by
Frasier.
Pete: Whoah!
Frasier: What? Is it too hard for you?
Pete: No, not for me. I'm worried about you. I can hit any note.
[hits a high note] See.
Cut to Roz, who is taking a call.
Roz: [into phone] No, Lampchop's not here. Big Bird isn't here
either. What are you doing up so late? Oh. You have your
Mommy's credit card handy? [she sees Frasier approaching]
Have your Mommy call us back later. Buh-bye. [puts the
phone down] [to Frasier] Well, I guess your little aria must
be coming up soon.
Frasier: Yeah, along with Veal Malaisie (?) and a rather
disappointing Chardonnay. Oh Roz, I hope you're not still
angry with me for the way my advice back-fired today.
Roz: Oh no, not at all. In fact, I've been meaning to tell you
how much I admire you for what you're doing tonight. After
watching me crash and burn like that, you're gonna go out
and sing this very difficult song. In a foreign language.
Under those unflattering lights with your clothes soaked
with sweat. On live television…
Frasier: How long are you going to stay mad with me?
Roz: Until the day I get married.
-- So, for a coupla thousand seasons; "Look Before You Leap"
Pete signals Frasier from his piano at the other side of the room.
Pete: Yo, Doc, Doc. Please. [Frasier walks over] I've been going
over your music and when we get to this section here [points
at music] either I can play really loud or jab you with a
pin because, between you and me, you're not hitting this
note without a pole vault.
Frasier looks considerably worried. A stage-hand appears.
Hand: 10 seconds, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: That's it! That's it! I'm not doing the aria!
Roz: What?! You're backing out after you made all of us take
those stupid leaps?!
Frasier: You bet I am! It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn
from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot who
doesn't learn from other peoples'.
Roz: But you promised all your listeners!
Frasier: Oh, what's the difference?! [a red light above a camera
focusing on Frasier goes on] Who watches PBS?! [seeing the
camera] I'll tell you who. Discerning, cultured viewers
like yourselves. Hello, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane and like
yourselves, I care about quality programming such as foreign
films, classical music, opera… Which is why I intended to
sing a rather challenging piece - an aria from Verdi's
'Rigoletto' but who am I to ignore the dozens of phone-calls
that have come in requesting my signature piece, a rather
charming little ditty that I first sang 3 years ago on
'Classic Western Movie Week'. So, without further ado, I
give you: 'Buttons and Bows' from 'Paleface'. Maestro,
please.
Pete begins playing. Note: The following lyrics are rough guesses,
in most cases he could be saying anything; this really needs to be
made as a sound file/video clip-it's hilarious.
Frasier: [singing] East is East, and West is West
And the wrong one I have chose.
Lets go where, you'll keep on wearing those.
[forgetting words] Dah, dah, dahs and boppa dohs.
Things and buttons and buttons and bows.
Don't bury me, ah, ah, lovely pea.
Ah, something, la, la, la.
Lets all go to a (beat) taco show.
And a shushing and frushing, pull my nose.
Young man, buttons and bows.
I'll love you in buckskin
la da da da da-da da.
[gets handkerchief out of his pocket to wipe brow]
[turns away, continuing song with unintelligible grunting]
Everybody!
My bones denounce, the fearful trounce
and the la la la, Moldic Rose.
Vada seuss, a palm caboose and a
danda hop and pantyhose
You're a buppity, buttons and bows!
Cut to Martin and Daphne (with a towel over her hair) laughing at
Frasier's TV performance.
Daphne: Oh, I bet this is one leap year Dr. Crane won't be sorry to
see the back of. Shall we rewind it so we can watch it
again?
Martin: No, no, no, not yet. Let it finish first. This is the
verse where he really loses it.
M&D: [singing] Bippity boppity, hippity dohs.
Something and something and buttons and bows.
Martin: Okay, now you can rewind it.
Eddie snatches the remote and runs away with it.
Martin: Hey!
End of Act Two. (Time: 21:53)
Credits:
Niles arrives at Frasier's, to console his brother on his
embarrassment at the telethon. Frasier checks that Niles didn't
have sex with Maris, and Niles reassures him he remained chaste.
But, as Frasier moves away, Niles wipes the last bit of creme
fraiche from behind his ear.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Matthew Barr. Nicholas
Hartley edited in HTML. This episode summary remains property of
Frasier, Copyright of Paramount Productions. Printed without
permission.
