A Word To The Wiseguy Written by Joe Keenan
Directed by Philip
Charles MacKenzie
=====================================================================
Production Code: 3.15.
Original Airdate on NBC: 20th February 1996.
Transcript written on 20th March 1999.
Quotes and Scene Summary {abby fletcher}
The scene opens with Daphne sitting at the table eating her
breakfast. Martin is sitting in a chair against the door. Frasier
enters from the direction of the bedrooms.
Frasier: Morning Daphne, dad.
Daphne: Shhh! [Referring to Martin] You'll ruin his concentration!
He's on a stakeout to catch whoever's been pinching our
newspaper. He's been at it for over an hour! I must say, I
can see why he was such a good policeman.
Frasier walks over towards his father to investigate. Loud snoring
soon becomes apparent.
Frasier: Yes, very impressive, isn't he. When he wakes up you must
get him to tell you about his stint as security co-ordinator
for Jimmy Hoffer! [Doorbell rings. Frasier wakes up Martin].
Dad, come on, rise and shine. You fell asleep. [He opens the
door] Oh, good morning Niles!
Niles: Hello
Frasier: [Looking for the paper] Oh yes, I see our newspaper thief
has struck again!
Martin: Damn he's good!
Martin crosses to sit by Daphne at the table. Frasier moves the
chair back to where it should be. Niles follows him over to the
table.
Frasier: [To Niles] Come on in.
Niles: This morning, for the first time since our separation, Maris
actually picked up the 'phone and called me! She needs a
favour.
Frasier: Well Niles, I think that's hardly cause to celebrate. She
called you just because she wants something?
Niles: No, no, not wants Frasier; needs. This is my chance to show
her how necessary I really am to her, and all I have to do
is fix one small problem!
Martin: What's the problem?
Niles: uh, she's wanted by the police. Apparently, she was driving
past a shoe store, last week, when she spotted a stunning
pair of therogamal pumps. I need not remind you what effect
a therogamal siting has on Maris's hand eye co-ordination.
She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her
name through the computer they found quite a little backlog
of unpaid parking tickets!
Frasier: What else do you expect from a woman who thinks her
chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped
space!
Niles: Oh, and to top it all off she neglected to appear for her
summons, and so they immediately swore out a warrant, and
that brings us to you, dad.
Martin: Why?
Niles: You were a cop, I'm sure you still have "chums", hint hint?
Who could lend you a hand, wink wink?
Martin: Look, you know I'd do anything for you, but not this. All my
years on the force I never even fixed a ticket, let alone an
arrest warrant.
Niles: Couldn't you pull one little string?
Martin: Well, I hope everything works out for you, but I think the
law should be the same for everyone.
Niles: Well it's not. We'd all like to believe that justice is
blind, but the sad truth is that wealthy white women just
can't get a fair shake! Courts love to make an example of
them.
Daphne: Oh, they do. Just think of Za Za Gabore, or Leona Helmsley.
Frasier: [Sarcastically] Oh yes, two perfectly lovely women
victimised by an unjust system.
Niles: Alright, fine. [Standing] If you won't help me, I'll just
have to help myself. [Goes towards door] I'm going down to
that precinct house, and I'm not leaving until I get
justice. Well, not exactly justice I suppose, more like
preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving 'til I get it!!
[Exits via front door]
Daphne: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you picture poor Mrs.
Crane confined to a jail cell!
Frasier: Only if they moved the bars closer together.
Fade out
THE LITTLE COMMODORE
Fade in to the KACL studio booth, where Frasier is wrapping up his
show for the day.
Frasier: Well, that's it for today folks! This is Dr. Frasier Crane
wishing you good mental health! [He hits the off air switch,
and Niles enters, distressed]
Niles: Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage
and despair!
Frasier: Well right back atcha! I take it things didn't go down so
well at the station?
Niles: The police simply wouldn't listen to reason.
Roz: [Entering from producers booth] Police?
Niles: They're persecuting my Maris over some silly parking fines.
I felt sure they'd ease up if they understood Maris a little
better, so I tried to explain her to them.
Frasier: Oh dear God.
Roz: You know, I dated a guy once who got in trouble with the
cops.
Niles: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that
statement…
Roz: Oh, ok, fine you little weasel. Just forget it. I was going
to help you, but Maris can just rot in the slammer. [She
walks back into the producers suite].
Niles: [Suddenly very apologetic] Ooh Roz, I was joking! I know how
you enjoy our little by-play! That weasel line, ouch,
touché!!
Roz: You know what, you're even more annoying when you grovel.
Niles: Zing! Got me again!
Frasier: Roz, if not for his sake, then for mine, please?
Roz: Ok, for you. My friend Phil had some major traffic
violations, and he was so freaked that he called this guy
who, you know, fixes things.
Frasier: Sounds just a tad shady Roz? You mean he went to some
hoodlum?
Roz: Well, I wouldn't use the word hoodlum in front of him.
[Searches for the business card of the man] Just think of
him as a man who makes wishes come true. Like a fairy
godfather. Another word I wouldn't use in front of him.
[Finds the card] Here we go! Jerome Balasco.
Niles: Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?
Roz: The next time you think of some witty little thing to say
about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, just keep it to
yourself.
Niles: [Looking her up and down, searching for something nice to
say] Consider it done. [Roz snatches the card back, then
Niles snatches it off her. Roz exits. Frasier takes the card
from Niles.]
Frasier: Give me that!
Niles: Frasier!
Frasier: Are you mad? I won't have you turning your minor, albeit
annoying situation into a Martin Scorcese film!
Niles: You don't understand what this means to me. When Maris asked
me for this favour, do you know what she said? She said
"Niles, will you be my commodore?"
Frasier: Her commodore…?
Niles: That's what she used to call her father. Frasier, there was
no problem so great that that man couldn't fix it.
Frasier: I'm sure.
Niles: Remember that lovely jewelled crucifix Maris picked up on
her first communion trip to Rome? Who do you think smoothed
things over with the Vatican?
Frasier: Yes, whatever happened to the days when a parent would take
a wayward child by the hand, march them back to the scene of
the crime and make them say "I'm sorry your holiness, it'll
never happen again!"
Niles: You don't understand. If I show Maris that I can step into
the commodores plimsolls she'll have a whole new respect for
me. We can rebuild our marriage on healthier foundations.
Frasier, please. [Frasier gives him the card]. Thank you. I
just know this man is the answer to my problems.
Frasier: Yes, who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled
marriage than a man whose business address is a wharf!
They both exit the booth, fade out.
A WORD TO THE WISEGUY
Outside Café Nervosa late at night. Frasier and Niles are sitting at
one of the tables drinking coffee.
Frasier: Niles, look. This is ridiculous, it's past midnight. I'm
leaving.
Niles: No no no you can't leave. You're my backup. I wonder what's
keeping him? [At this point a man in his late 40's enters
the scene, wearing a long dark overcoat. He sits opposite
the boys at another of the outside tables]
Frasier: Do you suppose that's him?
Niles: I doubt it! That overcoat is Armani!
Frasier: [Sarcastically] Good point Niles. Where would a criminal
come up with the money for something like that?
The man looks at them and Frasier raises his hand to acknowledge
him. The man then stands and crosses to meet them. The boys also
stand.
Jerome: Dr. Crane I presume?
Niles: Oh, yes. I'm Niles Crane, this is my brother, Dr. Frasier
Crane.
Jerome: Jerome Belasco. [Shakes hands with Frasier]
Frasier: Pleasure.
Jerome: Excuse my tardiness, but my lady friend and I were having
one of those discussions from which it is difficult to
remove oneself.
Frasier: [To Niles] Yes, we certainly know about those, don't we.
Niles: Dames!
Jerome: So you have some problem you think I can help you with?
Niles: Well, I do. Please Jerome. [He indicates for Jerome to sit,
and the boys sit themselves] Well, you see, last week my
lady my lady got on the wrong side of 'Larry law', and since
then certain, shall we say 'complications' have arisen, and
in brief things have got 'hot hot hot' and we believe you
are the man to 'turn on the air conditionin''.
Jerome: I sense you are a film buff, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Just show him the charges Niles.
Niles: [Getting charge sheet out of pocket] Yes, here we are. Quite
a few. [Hands sheet to Jerome]
Jerome: [Reading] Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless
endangerment. Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
Frasier: Oh yes. She's ounces of fun.
Niles: Do you think you could persuade the police to show some
leniency?
Jerome: Well there's never any harm in making a phone call. Excuse
me.
He gets up and looks around for a telephone.
Niles: Thank you! Yes, around and straight to the back. [Excitedly]
He's making the call! He's making the call! Frasier, you're
going to think I'm mad for saying this, but that was fun!
Frasier: Well, I must admit Niles, it is not entirely unpleasant to
rub shoulders with the 'demi-man'. I definitely felt a real
testosterone surge, you know?
Niles: Me too, me too! It's like an actual tingling in my chest.
And now it's gone…there it is again!…and now it's gone…
Frasier: Niles, it must be your cellular phone ringing.
Niles: Oh it is! You're right. [He reaches into his inside pocket
and takes out the phone] Hello? Oh, hello Maris! Yes, I'm
tending to that matter very right now. [He sees Jerome
approaching] Oh, just wait a second.
Frasier: Well?
Jerome: You may consider the matter dealt with.
Niles: Maris, it's all taken care of. What did you say? No, I've
just never heard those words before. You're welcome. [He
hangs up the phone] Oh Jerome, thank you!
Jerome: Now, if you'll excuse me Gentlemen, I've got another
business engagement.
Frasier: At this hour of the night? [Looks at watch] My God, it's
past midnight. What kind of business could it possibly be
[Realises what he's saying]...of mine where you're going!
[Laughs nervously]
Niles: Tell me, what do I owe you? [Takes out wallet]
Jerome: Oh nothing. I was happy I could help.
Niles: Oh, don't be silly. I insist!
Jerome: Consider it a favour. I was in a position to help you.
Perhaps someday you'll be in a position to help me. [He
stands to leave]
Niles: Oh, I would love that. If there's ever anything I can do for
you just say the word.
Jerome: You're very kind. It's a pleasure meeting you both.
Niles: And you. [Calling after Jerome as he leaves] And I meant
that! Anything at all, you just let me know! [Shaking his
head] I shouldn't have said that, should I.
DOESN'T EVERYONE HAVE A POI RAMEKINS?
Back at Frasiers apartment. Niles and Frasier enter, wearing their
squash kit. Jerome is already in the flat, talking with Martin and
Daphne.
Jerome: Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Jerome! Look Niles it's Jerome! [To Niles] In my house!
Daphne: We've been having the most delightful chat.
Jerome: Dr. Crane, you're a lucky young man to have such a charming
young woman in your applaud.
Daphne: [Obviously flattered] Oh, go on. Did you know his brother
supplied the cement for this very building! [Niles and
Frasier look positively horrified at this statement].
Niles: What a small world oh look at the time! [He tries to leave
but Frasier puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him]
Martin: So Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
Daphne: Oh wait, let me guess! [Explaining to Jerome] I'm a bit
psychic. Let's see… you're some sort of doctor. An osteopath
perhaps?
Jerome: No.
Daphne: Well that's odd. I can see you hovering over people with
broken bones.
Martin: [Standing] Boys, why don't you help me get some refreshments
for your new friend?
Frasier: Yes, yes! Excuse us Jerome! [The boys follow Martin into the
kitchen].
Martin: Who the hell is this guy?
Niles: He's some hooligan who helped fix Maris's legal problem, and
in return I promised him a favour….Oh God. Do you think
that's why he's here? To collect?
Frasier: [Sarcastically] No Niles. He's probably having a luau and he
needs to borrow our Poi Ramekins!
Martin: Are you guys nuts? You don't get involved with somebody like
that!
Niles: Before we panic, we should at least talk to him, you know,
get 'the straight dose'. Also known as 'the skinny'.
Frasier: Knock it off Bugsy! [They re-enter the living room, Frasier
carrying a tray with a jug of Orange Squash on it. Jerome is
talking to Daphne]
Jerome: Stealing newspapers is most un-neighbourly behaviour. If you
would like I could find out whose doing it, make sure they
never even think…
Frasier: [Interrupting] Oh no! No! That's fine!
Niles: So Jerome, is there something we can do for you?
Jerome: Since you ask, you may recall the other evening I mentioned
my lady friend? If I may… [He reaches into his breast
pocket, and Niles and Frasier clutch together, thinking he's
about to pull out a gun, when he instead pulls out several
photographs].
Daphne: Oh! She's a pretty thing, isn't she!
Jerome: This is at the dog track where we met. And here's our first
Sinatra Concert. And this is the funeral of a business
associate.
Frasier: You know, for the life of me, I can't recall ever having
seen a woman wearing so many different kinds of furs all at
the same time.
Jerome: Well, Brandy is a uniquely stylish woman.
Niles: Brandy?
Jerome: Yeah, the traditional spelling. [The Crane boys all look at
each other, trying to work out when 'Brandy' started to
classify as a traditional name.] We've been engaged for
eight years, but she refuses to set a wedding date. This
upsets me. It also upsets my mother, whose comments on the
subject are frequent and vivid.
Martin: So where do these two come in?
Jerome: Well if she's reluctant to marry me, obviously she needs
therapy.
Frasier: Well, you're in luck! Niles happens to be one of the finest
marriage counsellors in all of Seattle!
Jerome: Well actually, Dr. Crane, I would prefer it if Brandy spoke
to you.
Frasier: To me?
Jerome: [To Niles] No offence to you Dr. Crane.
Niles: [Very relieved] Oh, none taken!!
Jerome: She's a great fan of your show. I'm sure she'd heed any
advice that you might care to offer. Such as 'Marry him.
Promptly'. But I'm not here to put words into your mouth.
You'll know what to say. [He gets up to leave]
Frasier: Jerome, you know I'm a psychiatrist. I'm used to rendering
my opinion, not being a mouthpiece for someone else. I'm not
sure I'm comfortable with this.
Jerome: Dr. Crane. There are sometimes in life we must do unpleasant
things. I'd hate to tell you some of the unpleasant things
I've had to do.
Frasier: I see. Well then. Why don't you just give Brandy my unlisted
home number, which I'm sure you came across when you were
finding out where I lived. I'll be glad to chat with her.
Jerome: Thank you. She'll be in touch. And I hope that one day
you'll dance at my wedding. [He leaves]
Frasier: If I'm able to dance.
Martin: If you ask me you're getting off easy. He could have asked
you for a much bigger favour.
Frasier: Dad, how can I possibly as a self-respecting psychiatrist
tell any woman to marry that thug.
Daphne: What are you talking about? He seemed very nice to me.
Frasier: This coming from the psychic who thought he was a
chiropractor!
Martin: Listen, I've heard your show. One more piece of half-assed
advice isn't going to kill you. Jerome on the other hand…
Frasier: Oh dad!
Fade out
Fade in to Frasier's booth at KACL, where he is mid-show.
Frasier: The key to lasting weight-loss is to change the way you view
food everyday. You can't go on through life bingeing and
then starving yourself for two weeks just to fit into that
gorgeous new evening gown you've bought for a special
occasion. Can you understand that?
Steve: [voice over] Yeah. Thanks Doc.
Frasier: Don't mention it Steve. Roz, who's are next caller?
Roz: We have Randy, from Richmond Beach.
Frasier: Hello Randy, I'm listening.
Brandy: Not Randy, Brandy. [Frasier looks suddenly worried]
Frasier: Brandy?
Brandy: The traditional spelling.
Frasier: You know we're all out of time, my goodness I feel so sorry
but…
Roz: No you're not. We've got five minutes left!
Frasier: Thank you Roz! Alright Brandy, go ahead. Your problem
please.
Brandy: It's my boyfriend, Jerome. He said I should call you. We've
been semi-engaged for eight years, and he wants to get
married.
Frasier: Well, I can certainly hear the love in your voice, so I say
case closed, best of luck to you in the future!
Brandy: Whoa! You got a bus to catch?! There's a lot more to it. For
starters I think he's cheated on me.
Roz: Well, in my experience, if you suspect something like that 9
out of 10 times you're right.
Frasier: Well I think a little mis-trust adds mystery to a
relationship. [Roz starts to look perplexed at Frasier's
opinions. He gives her a little stare as if to say 'Shut up
and play along']
Brandy: Mystery I could stand if he didn't neglect me so much. Every
time we go for a romantic dinner he gets a phone call and
bang it's "Gotta work babe, finish your lobster. I'll send
you a limo."
Frasier: Lobster? Limos? My God give me his number and I'll marry
him!
Brandy: Money ain't everything, especially when you've got a sex
life like ours..
Roz: He's not even good in bed?
Brandy: Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out!
Frasier: You know this really is unnecessary…
Brandy: I said to him last night "What the hell was that! I've been
vaccinated slower!"
Frasier: Well, that just leaves more time to cuddle!
Roz: Can I say something?
Frasier: No!
Brandy: Look, I could deal with the other problems, if it weren't
for one thing. All my life I've dreamed of being a career
woman, but he says I'm not allowed to work! I'm supposed to
sit home all day, let him take care of me. So, what do you
think Doc? Should I marry him?
Frasier: Well…taking into account the years you've invested in the
relationship, and Jerome's obvious love for you, not to
mention his generosity…
Brandy: Tell me what you think Dr. Crane 'cos I really, really
respect you.
Frasier: Brandy. Run. Save yourself. Do not marry this man. [He
presses the button to cut her off]. This is Dr Frasier
Crane. I'll see you, Godwilling, tomorrow.
Fade out
Fade in at Café Nervosa. Frasier is sitting at a table on his own,
ordering a drink to a passing waiter.
Frasier: Yes, I'll have a non-fat decaf latte please. Oh what the
hell, make it a full fat mocha, extra whipped cream. What
the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!
Niles approaches Frasier, who is sitting with his back to him. Niles
clamps his hand down on Frasier's shoulder, and Frasier jumps,
terrified.
Niles: Hello Frasier.
Frasier: Niles! Don't do that!
Niles: Sorry. [To waiter] Double espresso please. [To Frasier] I
heard you on the radio today. I thought what you did was
noble. To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
Frasier: Like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you'd
crack like a Jordan almond.
Niles: Frasier, I never meant for any of this to happen. How long
are you going to stay mad at me?
Frasier: For as long as I live. Which'll probably take us through
breakfast. [Sees Jerome approaching the table]. Oh, wrong
again!
Niles: Oh, oh look! It's Jerome Belasco! Jerome, take a seat! Look
Frasier, it's our friend! [Turns to lady sitting behind
them] Jerome Belasco.
They all sit down, Frasier and Niles very nervously. There is an
ominous silence.
Jerome: I heard your broadcast this afternoon. Displeased me.
[Waitress comes over to get order] Let me have a little hot
milk please. When I'm displeased I get acid in my stomach,
Dr. Crane.
Frasier: The last thing I want to do is displease you. Or to hear the
words 'acid' and 'Dr. Crane' in the same sentence. Jerome,
I'm sorry. How could I have advised her otherwise? She said
you'd cheated on her.
Jerome: She said she suspected me. I never cheated on Miss. Brandy.
Frasier: Alright, be that as it may, how can I advise her to marry a
man who's so controlling that he won't even allow her to
work?
Jerome: It may interest you to know that over the years I've called
in favours to get Miss. Brandy 14 jobs. She lost all of
them.
Frasier: So you're saying she's had trouble finding her niche?
Jerome: No, I'm saying she's a dodo. Now you may love the dodo, you
may think the dodo is beautiful; you may even wish to marry
the dodo. But you do not encourage the dodo to fly! When she
loses these jobs it makes her very unhappy, so for her sake
I said "No more jobs", but now, in order to convince her to
marry me, I'd have to reverse this policy.
Frasier: So she has agreed to marry you?
Jerome: If I get her a job. Not just any job. A job that she can
never lose. A job where if she burns the place down, they
will apologise to her for having made it so flammable.
Niles: Well, good luck finding someone who'll hire her.
Jerome and Frasier look at Niles, then each other, then Niles again.
He gives a little moan of realisation. Fade out.
Fade in to Frasier's apartment. Daphne and Martin are sitting at the
table, eating. Frasier enters, obviously just having had a shower.
Daphne: Dr. Crane, your brother called. The court time for your
tennis game is 11 o'clock.
Frasier: Oh good Lord. I distinctly told him I wasn't available until
noon.
Martin: Hey, if you're going to call him back, put it on the
speakerphone.
Frasier: Don't you think this is getting a little old?
Daphne: Well I think it's just mean, is what I think.
Martin: So sue me. I enjoy it. [Frasier presses the AutoDial on the
phone. Brandy answers.]
Brandy: Good morning, Niles Crane, per-sike-eeat-rist. [Martin
bursts into hysterics at the table].
Frasier: Yes, is Dr. Crane there? This is his brother, Frasier.
Brandy: Oh hi Dr. Crane. It's me, Brandy. Hang on, I'm getting
another call.
She presses the wrong button and cuts Frasier off. Martin bursts
into hysterics again.
Fade out
Credits:
A woman is outside Frasier's apartment. She looks around to check
no-one can see her, then picks up his paper and heads for the lift.
However it opens and Niles steps out. She drops the paper,
pretending she hadn't picked it up. Niles thinks she hasn't noticed
she's dropped it, and picks it up for her. She leaves in the lift.
Martin then opens the door to try and catch the thief, but realises
it's just Niles. Martin starts to look for the paper, and Niles
realises what he's done, and pretends he hasn't seen the paper
either.
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 1999 by Abby Fletcher & Nick
Hartley. Abby Fletcher wrote the transcript, Nick Hartley edited it
for use on his site. This episode summary remains property of
Frasier, Copyright of Paramount Productions and NBC. Printed without
permission.
